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Awful Holiday Music: the definitive list

With all the drama and whatnot going on, I think I know just what will cheer us all up: a list of Holiday Music from 10 (not so bad, really) to 1 (So bad. Really, really bad. Like, makes me wish humans had never invented music)

Note: You will notice that perennial least-favorites like "Do You Hear What I Hear" and "Little Drummer Boy" are not on the list, because I really don't hate them all that much. They're just ruined by shitty performances.

10. Sleigh Ride

Okay, this one isn't really so bad, just overplayed. By me, between 1994 and 2001, when we played it at at the winter concert (in high school) or graduation (in college). That in itself would probably be okay, if I'd played something fun like the whip or the trumpet that goes "neigh!" at the end, but I played baritone sax, which plays essentially the same part as the tuba, with the added benefit of knowing that absolutely no one will hear you playing. So every time I hear sleigh ride, all I can hear is "bum ba-bum ba-ba-ba" or something like that.


9. My Favorite Things

Again, not a song I dislike but NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG. The only part that's remotely christmasy is the line about packages, which could be Christmas presents but could also be some Hummel figurines mailed to you by your great-aunt Clara in Botsenfleishenbadenfarfegnugenbliknlietz, Austria.

8. Frosty the Snowman

So much about this song just doesn't make sense. Does he get hit by a car? What happens to the car? Would that be covered by your insurance? Is the snowman actually that Mayhem guy?


7. Winter Wonderland

Do you know what the real threat to traditional marriage is? Marriages officiated by snowmen.


6. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

WHY ARE THERE SCARY GHOST STORIES? What is wrong with you people! Remind me to throw out the invite to your Christmas party.


5. Here Comes Santa Claus

Why are we teaching our kids to pray to Santa? That's not the non-obvious being I want my kids to pray to.


4. Mary Did You Know?

If keeping the Christ in Christmas means schlock like this, I'm going to start calling it *mas.


3. The Twelve Days of Christmas

Please, please make it stop. I'm literally begging.

2. Do the Know it's Christmas

You know where else it won't snow this Christmas? MOST OF THE PLANET. So many things wrong with this song that I will one year get around to fully trashing it in a blog post.


1. Baby it's Cold Outside

It's time we acknowledge, in all seriousness, that this song is FUCKING AWFUL, as it basically describes the set up for an acquaintance rape.


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