TW body image, weight talk
The peep spent the weekend at my mom's. We're heading to pick her up later this afternoon so we got to sleep in until 9:00am (seriously the greatest thing that has happened to me this week). And now we're lounging on the couch, just enjoying being free.
I feel kind of guilty. Friday night when we were dropping her off I was getting the big bird excited about all the nasty sex I wanted to have this weekend. I even admitted to him I was really interested in getting on top finally. I never really liked being on top because it was too hard to ignore what I looked like and all the jiggling and bouncing. Just no. I felt gross. It was okay when I was pregnant because my jiggliness filled with baby the first 2 trimesters and I felt like a fertile sex goddess. The big bird couldn't get enough of my body and I had never been more interested in sex. After I reached the third trimester I was so swollen my ankles looked like softballs and my heartburn was so bad I'd throw up nightly. Neither of us were interested in sex. Post baby my sex drive returned pretty quickly but my body had different ideas and I spent the next 2 months bleeding. Finally in November I was able to get an IUD put in and we've been good to go ever since.
It's no secret I've had body issues from my pregnancy. I still have at least 15 pounds to lose, I now weigh 40 lbs more than my husband, and my thighs and stomach are saggy map of ugly stretchmarks only just now 6 months post partum starting to fade a bit. I've straight up asked the big bird "how can you find me attractive anymore?" Mostly because when we met I was a tight young teen. How could he even get hard looking at me anymore? He does his best to remind me that he still finds me very attractive, compliments my body whenever we make love, and has really stepped up focusing on how I feel during sex. This all has definitely helped but I can ever quite shake the voice that times me I'm gross and my husband is only fucking me because he's too good of a guy to cheat.
It feels really shitty to want to have sex but not have the confidence to fully let go and engage. That is how I felt this weekend. My body wanted sex but my brain kept telling me you're too unattractive. I couldn't find anything to wear yesterday that felt flattering so I ended up throwing on a baggy jacket and tried to draw the least amount of attention to myself. Normally I am a huge flirt with my husband. I say naughty things, randomly give him a bj, that type of stuff. I spent yesterday avoiding doing anything to indicate I wanted sex. The big bird picked up on it and got sort of annoyed with me. I don't blame him, I kind of led him on. We did eventually have sex that I wasn't really into. He can always tell and I know it makes him feel badly.
I know I need to start exercising again. I know I need to eat better. I just can't seem to make myself really commit for more than a few hours at a time. The stress of being a new mom, my job, and this depression/anxiety makes every little thing seem too daunting. Too hard. Or I think "What's the point? It won't make a difference." I need to figure out how to break out of this cycle of apathy, self-loathing, and depression. I need to figure out how to articulate my feelings and talk about why. I'm positive it was my assault and another incident I haven't felt like disclosing that started these feeling of self-hate but I am so ashamed and embarrassed to think about them, let alone talk to a therapist about them. I have a therapy appointment Friday so maybe I can work up the courage to talk about it by then. Idk, there's so much baggage for me to unpack between the self-esteem, the ppd, the assaults. It all feels like too much and I'm not strong enough to deal with it all. I'm barely holding it together most days, my performance at work is definitely suffering, I'm smoking so much pot. Too much. But I just don't really care. It's getting me thru my day.