I’m heading back to The Happiest Coffee Shop On Earth today to slang caffeine for a living again. Send good vibes please! I’ve been out on leave for 4 months, and my first shift back starts today at 11. I think it’ll be good for me. I really having been craving being around people more and more lately, and it will help my mind and hands stay busy. Idle time was fun for about a week, but I know my depression’s been acting up with all of the empty space since school’s been out. After I get off I am supposed to see Boyfriend to talk more about what we discussed on Sunday.
I am a little nervous about that to be honest. The biggest thing that came out of our last talk was that we have to be more vulnerable and real about how we are feeling if we want to keep progressing forward. One of the things he said on Sunday was that one of his colleagues asked him if he was in love with me and he answered “I don’t know.” He told me that when he realized that was his answer, he completely freaked out because he wasn’t sure if that was normal for this point in our relationship (I’m his first girlfriend and we have been dating 7-8 weeks.) and thought he was cheating me out of something and going to really hurt me. I got upset at first, but as I thought about it for a moment I felt like it was kind a weird thing for someone to ask him, and that his freakout over not knowing was a little...premature, I guess? I definitely have been developing real feelings for him, but it’s still so early on, and I wanted to give this thing time to unfold. When he saw me start to get upset he kind of verbally vomited and was like “I just have no idea how the hell any of this is supposed to go. I feel completely clueless and unprepared. I am so scared of hurting you and of getting hurt, and I don’t know if that fear is getting in the way of me being able to feel more.” I told him that there was no written rule book, no tablet was going to fall out of the sky and tell us what to do, and that we just have to explore this together, that’s how relationships work.
I remembered a point a few weeks ago, before all of this crap between us both getting scared and starting to hold back from each other and then that fucking nightmare vacation from hell, where we were laying in his bed together and staring into each other’s eyes. I asked him how he had felt in that moment, because I’d had that feeling that you get when you know you’re really connecting with someone and you can kind of sense them feeling it too. He told me that he’d felt something then too, but that he had never felt that way before and didn’t know what to call it. So, I asked him if I felt like just his friend, and he said a huge, resounding “NO, you don’t feel like just my friend.” I told him he didn’t feel like just my friend either, and that he hadn’t for a long time. I then said that for us to know if we CAN fall in love, we have to be in this for real, be open and honest, and share our real selves with each other...warts and all, including our fears, insecurities, etc. I gave him an out and said we could walk away from things right now, but that I personally knew that I’d regret it at some point if we did. So, he told me he wanted to do this for real and was going to work hard to let me see the true him. And here we are. I walked with him out to his car and he scooped me up and kissed me more intimately, passionately, and confidently than he ever had before. Like, I felt it in my bones. So, maybe that says something, I don’t know.
My whole goal through the work I’ve been doing on myself in the past few weeks was just to open the door to us having real intimacy, i.e. give us the chance to really fall in love instead of both of us holding back out of fear. So, I am proud of myself for having that talk with him and getting the ball rolling. I guess we will see what happens! Like I said, I am kind of nervous about tonight, but at least I know I have been totally honest up to this point.