Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

I write this here because I find it somewhat darkly humorous, and I have no idea what else to do with it. I’m sure no publisher would want it, and it’s a strange musing to put on FB or tumblr. I feel it gives you greater insight into my character, and how I think.

I went out and bought a BLT for lunch today. The bacon was at that not too crispy, slightly floppy stage that I like. Incidentally, bacon is pretty much the only place I will eat fat. Fat in meat hits me as being incredibly gross.

It was the fat that tried to kill me. I took a bite and the fat decided to break off from the whole. It slithered down the wrong way and blocked my air. I realize breathing is about to become very hard. No one has noticed that I am in any distress. Choking looks like nothing like it does in the movies, and I sat there wondering what to do.


I always feel incredibly stupid when something like this happens. I have been eating and drinking for well over 20 years now. You'd think I'd have gotten the hang of this swallowing thing by now. I wish I could say I was thinking of profound things, but mostly I was thinking, "I hope I don't die. This is a stupid way to die. I thought having a heart attack on the toilet was bad. Nope, this is worse." That was a a very calm background thought. I would have thought, I'd manage to muster some emotion for something like this, but no I am apparently a robot that was built by Vulcans.

I thought maybe I could start a gag reflex and at least people around me might notice something was wrong. So I stuck my fingers down and I felt the tail end of the bacon. Thinking, "Why not?"* I gave it a pull and it slithered with a small pop. I shrugged and continued eating because, really I still had to eat. And then I paid and left the restaurant.

There's not a great moral here. I wasn't particularly emotional then, and I'm not particularly emotional now. I could have died then if that end of the bacon wasn't there for me to pull. I probably could have died if it had broken off. I was potentially dying and no one noticed. I saved myself and no one noticed. I feel I should be thinking great thoughts, should be in some kind of shock or panic, should have some emotion, trying to change my life, or something huge and important. That's the way these things happen on TV after all.

But nothing like that is happening. The only thing I do know is this: Bacon, our love affair is over.


*There is a good reason I shouldn't have, it could have broken off and the rest would have remained lodged there. I did not think about that at this time.

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