I've been working hard at improving my self image- avoiding advertising when possible, following some body positive blogs, journaling about it, buying nice looking clothes that fit me, resisting the urge to diet, talked about it in therapy, etc. But, I'm just not feeling it today.
I've gained somewhere in the neighborhood of ten pounds in the last six months, through a combination of work stress, starting a new medication, not being able to exercise as much following a shoulder injury, transitioning out of a very low carb diet that was honestly becoming unhealthy, and starting college. Re-reading that list I just wrote, it totally makes sense that my weight would fluctuate a little bit.
I still fit in all my old clothes. I look at full length photos I took last week when I was trying on jean jackets and think I look fine. For most of my life, I've hovered within the same two sizes and I'm still in that range. In fact, the ONLY time I was any smaller was when I was A. Intensely depressed/anxious and couldn't keep food down without anti-nausea medication or B. dieting strictly to an extent that was likely unhealthy. And of course, even then, when I was a 6 I thought I should be a size 4. When I was a 4, I was trying to get into a size 2. It never stopped.
I just still hear this voice in the back of my head that says I need to be thinner. My mom has always been a big woman, and my grandmother (who was 4'10 and 90 pounds) berated her for it constantly. When I went through a preteen chubby phase where i was gaining weight before a major growth spurt, that same judgment spilled over onto me. And now I find myself doing the same thing to me as an adult. Not nearly as much as I used to, at least I only find myself feeling like this maybe once a month instead of every single moment of every single day. That's progress, and I deserve to pat myself on the back for it. Anyway. I don't want to diet. I don't want to beat myself up anymore.
If you know where I'm coming from, what do you guys usually do on days like this?