Okay, I know I'm breaking protocol by having two posts up in such a short amount of time, but after the morning I just had, I need to talk about my status update, and not just my cat's.

Somewhere, in some corner of the universe, I am convinced that there are forces and gods eagerly daubing their cards as we approach ever closer to New Year's Eve. I kind of thought I had gotten that whole, "THE UNIVERSE HAS DECIDED THAT YOU ARE ITS ENEMY" out of my life after 2010, but apparently the universe is still holding a grudge that I survived that match.

And now it's back for revenge.

For those playing at home, get your cards ready, let's start my personal round of BAD YEAR BINGO!*

So far, in 2014, the following has happened:

1. I was rejected from all 10 of the grad schools I applied to. Granted, they were all full ride, plus guaranteed income from teaching and stipends programs, but fuck if that didn't make me seriously question my ability as a writer and damage what little pride I do have.


2. Found out that I couldn't have kids. Not difficult to conceive, not very, very low percentage or a chance, not infertile. Totally fucking sterile. Thanks scar tissue and horrible past trauma!

3. Was slammed into from behind on a major street, which totaled my car. This, of course, happened in a 24 hour period in which I did not know my insurance had lapsed. So long, covered claim! SO GLAD I get to deal with this on my own, with a lawyer. I mean, having your car totaled just really isn't enough on the "how much should this incident shit on your life" scale.

4. My dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer, which just plain sucks. That does not exactly need to be dressed up into an additional diatribe. Fuck cancer.


5. EXCEPT FOR WHEN MY FIL IS DIAGNOSED WITH THE SAME TYPE OF CANCER THREE DAYS LATER. That deserves all the exclamation points and FUCK YOUS I can possibly muster, and believe me, I have mustered a LOT OF FUCKS THIS YEAR.

6. So back to the car accident for a second: EVERYTHING is a fight trying to settle. None of my rental car is paid for. I ended up being on the hook for the entire rental charge for a month. It was especially awesome to return the car to the discover that some motherfucker hit me in my work garage, causing over $500 in bumper damage, which, of course, I had to pay, since my insurance wouldn't take my fucking claim in the first place. (REMINDER: ALWAYS HAVE CAR INSURANCE. ALWAYS. NEVER EVER LET IT LAPSE).

7. This sets off the great Financial Fucking of 2014, in which my husband and I are continually trying to juggle and play catch up with all of our bills.


8. My work situation degraded horribly. I mean, that's not so bad, in the grand scheme. I work in entertainment, where the assholes to normals ratio is really fucking off. It just started to be even more of a problem when I started having serious health issues again, and a particular episode sent me to the ER to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack or valve collapse.

9. And by problem, what I actually mean is, "Harassing me through email and phone calls all day long trying to say I quit instead of having health problems, so they have absolutely no financial culpability." It got so bad that one of my DOCTORS had to email them directly to get them to shut the fuck up. Their response was to get a lawyer to try to take me to court.

Because, of course. That's just what you do when your employee HAS TO GO TO THE FUCKING ER TO MAKE SURE SHE'S NOT HAVING A HEART ATTACK.


10. I come back to having had my position replaced WHILE I WAS ON MEDICAL LEAVE. Is that illegal? OF COURSE IT IS! Did they do it anyway? OF COURSE THEY DID. And hired a $600/hr firm to help them with it! What did I get out of this? A fucking shitty severance contract and an inability to sue them, ever, for wrongful termination. Basically, they priced me out of my ability to do the right thing - thanks guys! I appreciate it.

Real life bootstraps moment - because I've never dealt with those before. Nope. It's almost like I didn't already live through running up nearly $2 million in medical bills, still have 6 figures of medical debt, nearly dying on multiple occassions, spending six months in the hospital, 12 surgeries, a nightmare of an addiction to painkillers, severe PTSD, living in a shithole that had regular shootings across the street due to finances, AND my husband being laid off in the same period. NO, PLEASE TEACH ME ABOUT THE REAL STRUGGLE, EX BOSSES. I GUESS IT DIDN'T STICK THE FIRST TIME AROUND.

11. Which leads to the EPIC mismanagement of my unemployment folder, then further trying to fuck with me by saying I voluntarily quit AFTER I HAD A BINDING FUCKING CONTRACT SAYING OTHERWISE, which led me down fantasically Byzantine byways of California's unemployment bureaucracy, slowed down my claim by nearly ten weeks and resulted in a nearly catastrophic situation in which we were almost evicted while trying to manage everything going on, including the continued loss of major income from when I had to have a rental car. At least I got to find out what it's like inside a Western Union!


12. Oh yeah, so there was that part where we nearly got evicted. That was awesome as hell, btw. Man, I never even knew it was possible for my heart to beat that fast! Whew. Now I know my calisthentics program must really be working. If it weren't for the fact that the rental manager has been a close friend of my brothers for over twenty years, we would have been evicted. Luckily, she was able to give us 3 weeks to figure that shit out.

13. Figuring that shit out came in the form of having to nearly destroy an old 401k of my husband's, the only protected retirement money we had (since, y'know, entertainment careers do not have pesky things like "pensions"), and take a giant tax penalty that amount to...it doesn't even matter. It was a fucking lot to save our asses. We're glad our asses are saving, but we're back to rebuilding for retirement from scratch, in our mid 30s. Sigh.

14. Then my lawyer died.

15. Oh, that wasn't enough explanation? MY LAWYER FUCKING DIED. FROM A VIRUS THAT ATTACKED HIS HEART. WHILE ON VACATION. This is when I got very:


with the universe. I mean, you've got to be kidding me with this some kind of bullshit. It's one thing to completely derail and fuck with my life (and by extension, my poor, seriously long suffering husband's life), but now you're whacking people merely for being associated with me? FUCKING NOT COOL UNIVERSE.

It was bad enough dealing with this insurance fight for months on end, but really, pulling the death card on my lawyer was a serious dick move. That was definitely a card I wish you hadn't rolled a 20 on. Asshole.

16. Just in case you were wondering, when you want to jokingly say, "Gee, I hope I don't miss the clause that demands a blood sacrifice" when reviewing your adoption facilitation contract, DON'T. DO NOT EVER JOKE ABOUT THINGS LIKE "BLOOD SACRIFICES" WHERE OLD TESTAMENT GOD MIGHT HEAR YOU.


17. Because that is exactly what will end up happening. Your cat will come down with an illness, and because he's related to you, it will be a rare, but treatable disease. That is, unless anything goes horribly wrong. Which it does because, remember, the cat is related to you, after all. So after everything you've done to try to stay solvent throughout this year, and was finally able to take a shitty cocktastic dirty taint sundae of a year and do something incredible like adoption, DO NOT GET COMFORTABLE.

18. Because everything you set aside to meet your first month's goal of saving to finish paying off the adoption facilitation fee was just motherfucking obliterated by your cat's complications and then emergency tail amputation, leaving you and your husband back at square fucking one, financially speaking, except that now, NOW you have a ticking fucking clock to come up with $12k in 5 months, and a non refundable down payment of $6k gone.

But that was how last week ended. I mean, it's not like it could WORSE, RIGHT?





20. Because just when you finish berating yourself for that dumbass move, THAT, my friends, is when your husband will call and inform you that his father is not doing nearly as well with his cancer as we hoped and has found out that the mass is spreading, not responding to treatment. He'll follow up this gutpunch with the news that, FYI, his mom hasn't told his dad how serious it is yet, so please don't say anything. That's a whole other post of a different color that I wanted to write, except that:

21. I'm going to be busy tomorrow because I have to go back to the motherfucking hospital for a procedure under anesthesia because of a suspected intestinal obstruction and possible narrowing of my esophagus. News of a possible obstruction is totes cool though, because we know I have tons of extra intestine to work with...oh wait. Shit.


* I wanted to do this as a drinking game, but I worry about giving anyone alcohol poisoning.