I have done more adulting in this past week then I have done in the past several months…maybe even years. While there are pros and cons of adulting (YAY: turning in apartment application. Boo: Not having enough money to afford the move), every task has left me feeling better about myself. While I am excited for this move and all the wonderful things it should bring, I am scared of the move at the same time. Starting May 1st, I shall (hopefully) be living on my own for the first time in years. That means no family around, no roommates, and no parents showing up unexpectedly demanding to be let into the apartment. I will be alone and hopefully doing the standard things that 24 year olds are suppose to be doing (I do not know what those things are but I'm sure someone has a book or something on it).
However, I have depression (with a host of other things). I have had it for more than a decade. I have learned to cope and manage my depression on my own throughout the years. While it is several billion levels (that is no exaggeration) better than what it was in high school (a post for a different day), I still have ways to go.
My high points are my best days. I get up the first time my eyes open (no dilly-dallying), I pick up anything I have left out, I get dressed, I stay out of my room, and just start the day in a better mood. For the past two months, I have had more good days than bad. I attribute most of that to Twitter (you know who you are), trying hard to get what needs to be done, done, and confronting this phenomenon known as adulting.
At my lowest point in my depression, I refuse to do anything. I refuse to get out of bed(unless it is to go to the bathroom or go get something to eat), I refuse to clean, I refuse to eat sometimes, I refuse to basically do anything remotely what is consider the basics of taking care of yourself. When it gets to this point, trash, clothes, dishes, and kitchen messes pile up, I ignore phone calls and text messages. Basically, just cut myself off from everyone.
With living on my own, I know that my depression will be the biggest hurdle to overcome. One cannot simply just say "get over it" and proof depression is gone. You have to work through it and I'm afraid that I will not be able to work through it when I live alone. That it will eat at me, destroy the work I have done to get well, and I will be plunge right back where I was when I was a child and up to when I was 17. I would rather not have those thoughts that I worked so hard to get rid of swirling around in my brain again.
I have all things I want to do like get the courage to come out with my depression, finish my degree, move to another state, marry JJ Watt, write that damn book, and be happy for longer than two days for once. I want to do ALL those things (some are more possible than others) plus more but I'm afraid if I cannot than that tiny faint voice that still lingers around from the dark period saying fail all the time will be right. I don't want that voice to be right.
I do not have a reason why I wrote this because usually I'm posting random things from other places on here. I know it is just a disorganize thought puddle but it is something I have been meaning to get out and you cannot express this in 140 characters.
Let me go back to writing about ridiculous things I found to add to my Amazon Wishlist.
*Depression image from here