So I registered with the Office of Disability Accommodations (ODA) at my university this semester for the first time. My therapist and the survivor advocate on campus recommended registering with ODA that I have PTSD and anxiety. This is so I can receive extra help or flexibility on attendance if something happens, (i.e. I get badly triggered or have a panic attack) and I have to take extra time to take care of myself.

They’re still processing my files and the documentation I turned in from my doctor and therapist, I should get a call this next week about meeting with an ODA counselor to discuss what accommodations may be most helpful for me. I also have communicated with all but one of my professors so far about what’s going on. They’re all counseling/social work people, so they have all been understanding and supportive.

I just feel weird. Some part of my brain is still yelling at me like “you’re just making excuses and you need to suck it up” and “other people have it worse off” and “you’re weak for needing extra help and attention”. Typing that out, I see how hard on myself I am being. Even this first week has shown me that this documentation is a necessary and helpful step- I’ve had sleep problems and panicked thoughts that are causing GI pain and digestive issues, so I can’t stay far from a bathroom (sorry tmi) and my back/shoulders are seizing up.

I talked about it in therapy today, it has to do with feeling like I’m going to get left alone or screamed at/told I am faking it if I ask for help. I feel like total crap (physically) though. I have to remind myself that I’m a grown up person who knows that I have a disease that has to be managed, and I am doing the right thing by letting the people who matter in my education know about it early on. I am not some kid looking for a cheap way out.

Brains. They can feel like jerks sometimes.