Street festival. Right outside my window.

I've been having panic attacks every day this week mainly triggered by body image. Yesterday's felt bigger and nearly involved me throwing my phone against the wall and DID involve me throwing most of my clothes into the kitchen and walking around without pants for the evening.

Therapist asked if I could listen to music. I said yes, because there are three stages with a 3 block radius of me because I live in the middle of Andersonville's Midsommerfest!!! It's physically not possible for me to get away from people or sound. And if I weren't so miserable at night, I'd want to be out there having fun.

Mornings are still good. I'm walking 1.5-2 miles every morning with my dog. I get some shit done around the house and even eat breakfast.

BTW: Madison #cancercat is doing great. Her mistreatment scans were perfect and chemo is continuing. She hasn't lost any weight besides the pound or so lost after the mammectomy (breast tissue has got to weigh something, right?). Her prognosis.... Since there's so little research about cats with cancer, there's no real prognosis for her case. Statistically, cats with tumors that reached the lymphatic system will live 9-12 months. But for Madison, we really don't know. The oncologist would rather be conservative with their prognosis and be wrong than the opposite. So yea!


But that's about something I'm taking care of.... Something outside of me which is part of the current problem; not having enough inside of me to be able to keep taking care of all these creatures and people outside of me.

I have a psych appt on Tuesday which is good/bad. Good because psych appointment during time of need. Bad because it involves taking my dog up to Wisconsin to stay at the place where Husband stays during the week which is a rural wasteland with a friend who is.... SO draining and exhausting to listen to that I look forward to not having to deal with her. The OTHER problem with her is that she is SO SWEET that being mad at her also involves guilt at feeling that way.

So I don't know what to do. Well, i know that going is probably advisable. But...... Ugh?!? (Classic groupthink, this is a mental health post so leave me the fuck alone)


(The above picture is a spray painted lace piece i sewed to that pole almost a year ago which is still here for Midsommerfest!)

I also have to leave the cats along only a few days after Madison's chemo and as I've been trying to get them on a better routine with wet food. It's discombobulated but I feel uncomfortable leaving the apartment even if it's for my own good.


Anyone else have a hard time doing what's right for themselves? Or find themselves having a crisis in the WORST POSSIBLE PLACE?