TW self-loathing and negative body talk
I feel trapped. I hate myself, I hate my life, I've gained a huge amount of weight, I am depressed, etc. I know I need to change my life (or my mind? I am not sure) but I just can't figure out who to do it. I feel like everything in my life is so tight and constricted and if I had more money, more time, or more energy, I could find a way to change it. Does that make sense? I'll try to explain and if you make to the end maybe you could tell me what I'm missing.
I have two jobs. One pays more than any job I've ever had, has amazing insurance that is completely paid for by my employer, and it is working for an organization that I completely believe in. I have an amazing job where I get to live my values—basically my job is being a super hero that fights for social and economic justice. But there comes the problem. It is twenty hours a week and I basically have to be...a superhero. I am the only employee and I have little support or accountability. I've been at it for one year and I am feeling so tired and depressed. Nothing is motivating me anymore. I am pushing myself through using sheer willpower, and it's not working so well anymore.
Even though I'm paid very well for the hours I work, at part-time, I'm just not able to get by. So I have also been working another job for the past year. It is only fifteen hours a week, it pays minimum wage, and it offers no benefits. I have much less responsibility, but at the same time, I am a senior member in my department and I am constantly being affirmed and pushed by my coworkers. Oh, and it's also for an organization that does amazing advocacy work! The trouble is it pays so so little I often fantasize about quitting and just trying to get by on the first job. And it is my night job, so it would be great to have my evenings back.
I have a $4000 balance on my credit card, that's been hanging around since my dad died and I was unemployed and too depressed to find a job. I have to pay a minimum of $400 a month on my student loans. My rent is $500. Rent could be renegotiated but it's hard. I live with my boyfriend and I didn't pay rent for almost a year when my dad was sick and dying and I was looking for a job. Now I'm also sharing his car with him and paying him a nominal percentage of his car payment each month just to contribute. Most of my money is going to credit card debt, student loan debt, and rent/car each month.
Another big expense is therapy. Which I am happy to pay. My therapist asked me the other week if I want to come in twice a week, and really I'd love too. The problem is the added time commitment and the expense.
You might be wondering why time is a problem, given that I only work 35 hours a week. Well I can't explain it exactly other than that being depressed seems to take a lot of time. I guess it's the oversleeping, the laying in bed, and the procrastinating. Even though I know I must be wasting a lot of time somewhere, I always feel like I'm in a rush. I see the signs of it. I used to read magazines pretty much right when they came in, but now there is a stack that has been languishing on my bedstand for over a year. I used to paint my nails, but I haven't "had time" since before Thanksgiving. I want to cook more and go to the gym and go to yoga but there never seems to be a block of time to do it. And when I'm proactive and plan ahead to do these things, half the time it takes me so long to get dressed or ready or whatever and get out the door that the time is gone anyway and I need to do the next thing.
I can't even necessarily say that work stuff is taking priority over personal stuff at this point. In the past that was probably true. I felt like I needed to prioritize work because my energy was limited. But anymore I just keep not showing up for work, because I am too tired or a I feel sick. And both my jobs have flexible hours, so I've mostly been getting away with it. But a lot is slipping through the cracks at the first job and I am several days behind at my second job.
And here the last piece. I hate myself so fucking much right now. I cannot look at my body or face without disdain. I have gained so much weight over the last two years and I feel like my body is ruined. I have stretch marks everywhere. I don't have a single pair of pants that fits except for yoga pants. And it will take me years to lose this weight if I can ever stop gaining weight and eventually turn the tide. I am not even saying that I need to look good or skinny before I accept myself. But it would be easier to accept my fat, stretchmarked body if I felt good at all in it. I hate it, my diet is shit, I don't get a lot of exercise, and I hurt every day. My joints hurt, my head hurts, and my stomach hurts.
Ugh, I am sorry for putting all that vitriol out there, if it hurts someone. But it feels fucking good to just say it. Thanks for listening.