Welcome To The Bitchery

Look, I would love for Bigfoot to be real. How cool would that be?! How many new questions would that raise and what else could we learn if it was proven, without a doubt that such a creature existed? It would be awesome. Leonard Nimoy would have to film a new In Search Of... as a follow-up. Unsolved Mysteries would be brought back. NatGeo would get a whole new reality show out of it. It would be among the greatest scientific discoveries of our century.

But he's not real. Or, at least, no such proof yet exists. (Also, because he's just. not. real.) I don't care what (fyi: it's a Fox News link) this charlatan is claiming. You know how I know (besides the fact that no real scientists have ever found a Yeti)?

- Because this guy already pulled this stunt before. People. People! You cannot be this eager to believe. "Fool me once..."


- The "tests". All this tells me is that this loser learned from his last attempt. DNA can't prove it's Bigfoot because there is no Bigfoot exemplar to test against. It can only prove there is no known record or that it matches another sample of unknown origin. In other words: inconclusive. A 3-D scan just proves you've got a body, of something. A bear with mange, maybe, or several animals Frankensteined together to look like something new.

- Because if you want to "hunt" Bigfoot, if you really want to prove he exists, you don't spend years searching and then kill the damn thing. You bring him in alive.

- You don't just drag back a living body, either. You track him, tag him, film him, study him, get samples, etc. If you find one Bigfoot, guess what? Somewhere, there's a second one and a third one and so on. You know what's better than having to defend one animal you found? Saying, holy shit, I observed these things in the wild. I know where they eat, I know where they sleep! Here is the data from our expedition!

- "The most important thing to me is being vindicated, letting people know that I am the best Bigfoot tracker in the world and it's not just me saying it." Huh. Funny. I would think the most important thing would be, you know, discovering a new, legendary, animal. And your ego would be second.


- The public knows more about the ribs from Walmart than they do about the alleged Sasquatch. Classic liar, obfuscating the truth with too much detail about shit that doesn't matter.

- Last, but not least: Did you see the picture? *sigh* Peeta Malark was more convincing as a rock (Hunger Games reference).

Share This Story

Get our newsletter