That’s where the guilt enters in. The deep, deep isolating guilt that comes from internalized bi-phobia.
Am I allowed to feel this devastated, this full of rage?
Am I gay enough to be this upset?
Am I appropriating the grief of real gay people?
It hurts. On top of the pain and grief of loss, on top of the “that could’ve been me, that could’ve been my friends”, on top of the psychological terror, there’s also the sinking feeling of self-doubt.
This article sums up a lot of what I’ve been feeling around this horror..
A lot of the coverage around the Pulse Massacre has made me incredibly uncomfortable as a bisexual. A lot of it has been dismissing bisexual grief about what has happened - and I’ve personally seen way too much of people telling bisexual people that they are just allies and to stay out of the conversation. I’ve personally been called an “LGBT Supporter” in the past few days, like I’m not part of the conversation. There were over 100 victims - if I were a betting man I’d say that there are at least a few bi and trans people among them. This was an attack on us too.
“How are you?” my bi friend texted me.
“I’m so, so angry.” I texted her back, “But then I feel guilty like…am I allowed to be this upset? Maybe I should only be like, 50% sad.” I tried to make a joke about it, but she knows.
“You get to be 100% sad, Elle. Because you are 100% queer. And because I am 100% sure that there were bi people in that club, too.
Bi erasure shouldn’t be another effect of this violence.”