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Birth control in essay form

Illustration for article titled Birth control in essay form

Have you ever contemplated having a baby, but aren’t sure if it’s the right decision for you? Well, allow me to share the first fifty minutes of my morning:

5:58 - baby wakes up crying

6-6:08 - lay in bed with him hoping he’ll fall back asleep

6:10 - nope, still crying

6:11 - make him a bottle, hoping he’ll go back to sleep after he has something warm in his tummy


6:15 - nope, still crying. Maybe it’s his teeth? Pick up 26-lb baby and shuffle to the bathroom to search for baby ibuprofen.

6:16 - juggle fussy baby and ibuprofen container

6:18 - hold baby on lap to administer ibuprofen. Baby vomits entire contents of the bottle you gave him onto your arm, leg, and sofa


6:20 - put crying baby down to find a rag to clean up vomit

6:22 - try the ibuprofen again, baby doesn’t want it, eventually sort of jam the medicine syringe into the back of his throat. Feel like a monster. While you’re doing this a framed picture, for no discernible reason, falls off the wall with a crash and frightens baby


6:23 - pour self a glass of water and cut up a banana, figuring baby might be hungry

6:24 - run to the bathroom to change out your tampon. Baby follows you into bathroom. While changing tampon, realize baby is currently in the midst of an epic poop explosion


6:24-6:30 - deal with aftermath of poopsplosion

6:31 - realize with dawning horror that the liner of the diaper pail somehow got mashed down under a huge pile of dirty diapers. Look at the diaper mountain spilling from side of diaper pail and realize Sartre was wrong - hell is a mountain of dirty diapers that must be manually transferred to a garbage bag.


6:31-6:38 - pretend you’re in Fiji, or Santorini, or anywhere but the floor of your nursery fending off a curious eleven month-old with one hand while scooping sodden diapers into a garbage bag with the other.

6:39 - take garbage bag out to curb, thinking “ok, well, at least that’s done.”

6:40 - come inside and notice the glass of water you poured for yourself twenty minutes ago is now upside down in your baby’s hands, the water is soaking into your carpet and the baby’s pajamas. But hey, at least baby’s finally smiling. And it’s only water.


6:40-6:48 - Mop up water. Change baby into dry clothes. Wonder if it’s too early for a glass of wine.


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