I applied for a whole lot of jobs yesterday, and felt so productive that I kept going until 3am.
Then I started watching Supernatural convention interviews to wind down, and the next thing I knew the sun was coming up. So, I figured I'd just keep going and reset my body clock. Then I figured I'd have a quick nap, and of course slept until midday.
Which is fairly common lately, and makes me feel like shit.
I tried to reach out to some friends who are in the country for the holidays, and arrange to catch up, but I haven't heard back from either. I have pretty much disappeared from Facebook last year, so I get it, but it still makes me feel crap. My siblings suggested I have a birthday thing, which I haven't done for a few years - probably not going to have a lot of people turn up to that either, so I'm not really looking forward to trying to make that happen.
My little brother is going to the UK in a week, so after that I would be living with just my parents, which seems so much worse somehow.
I've not come across any good options in the meantime, so the affordable, feasible option is living with strangers again. I know I'm being reactive rather than proactive here. I just wish I was moving towards something good, rather than just making another random step in the direction of nowhere.
I want to have a home and family and a career again. All of those things are years of hard work away. Again. Starting all over again. And I'm just too tired and sad and hopeless to begin.
I need to get an easy to get job. Go back to Uni. Build up some free work. Get a career job. And this after sinking a decade into a career that I loved, way more than what I'm trying to get into now, but that I couldn't make work. So, a long uphill battle, after a different very long uphill battle with very little reward.
I want a family again, except I don't want to be dating. I don't want to do the long path between single and committed and ready to have children again.
It makes me sad to be around my family. They have all these memories and friends in common, and they know very little about my friends or large and significant parts of my life. The kids were close in age so they grew up together, and my parents had a very different relationship with them than they did with me. I was the one who kept my distance, because I thought it would be destructive for them to know too much about my life. Kinda how I've been in general. Reserved, with massive barriers to closeness, so I don't give people ammunition to use against me. So that doesn't really help with having a healthy social life.
I know this is repetitive, and I'm sorry I keep going on about the same crap. I just feel really stuck. The things that I want feel so far away and so unlikely, and it seems to make so much more sense to sink into safety and fleeting pleasures than to try again to build something when I everything I build keeps falling apart.
I just don't know where to begin, it's too much and too big, and I'm just long out of hope.