I've been trying to skip posting negativity on GT, but there's been so much in the last six months. I so appreciate the positivity posts offered here and usually force myself to participate so that I can have a minute to focus elsewhere. I love hearing when things are going well for the peeps here, too.

Buuuuuuut. . . things are shitty right now. I'm exhausted beyond exhausted. We're on week three of Mr GV working 3:30pm-midnight. I've adjusted to not having him around at certain times, but it's still really hard. Week One sucked because we didn't even know what kinks would need to be worked out and I was really sad not having him around. Week Two was a mess because I was cat-sitting for a friend every night, but I did make it down to have lunch with him two nights. The first was a disaster because of unforeseen circumstances, the second worked out perfectly. Running through all of this is dealing with our cat who has a serious case of fleas, is miserable, taking steroid medication and doing all sorts of acting out (thankfully not involving bodily fluids). She has to take a pill twice a day and get B12 shots weekly (hopefully only two more weeks). Though she seems a little better, I'm still worried because she doesn't seem to be putting weight on.

Mr GV and I are two peas in a pod, two sides of the same coin and spend a lot of our time together. I don't think it's a weird, co-dependent or strange amount because we both need our time apart, too, and it's never an issue. He's my best friend and he gets me in a way that most people don't (and I him). I miss the shit out of him.

All of the above has triggered depression, more intense than I've dealt with in years. I'm not suicidal, but the lack of motivation is killing me. Work is almost a joke. I live in fear of being asked to do anything and the turnaround time on my paperwork is abysmal. This triggers some mild paranoia that makes everything worse and my days even harder to get through. I've been trying to delegate what I can and do what I can to make things easier on myself. Most of the time I use paper plates. I skip storage containers when possible and use plastic bags for lunch stuff. Sometimes, fuck the environment, I need to function. I feel horrible that I have so little left for Little GV, too. I know my baseline Moming is pretty good, but I still feel guilty.

I need a fucking break and I can't take time off work because I don't have any left. When I thought I was getting laid off I burned what little time I had because of the stress. I haven't been able to bank any time because of weather, car, and sick kid. I'm the queen of not being able to bank time. I realize this is a luxury a lot of people don't have, and maybe don't want to hear me bitch about it, but it's part of my reality and something I depend on. It's also a potential point of criticism on a review. Yes, we're given a certain amount of time per year (earned per pay period), but if you are constantly using it, depleting your leave banks it raises red flags, especially at reviews.


Yesterday, I was in my car in a parking lot during my lunch trying not to cry and texting with Mr GV and a good friend to baby step me through the minutes. Drama level: it was pouring down rain.

This isn't the last time in my life this will happen. I know this. This isn't me being a Debbie Downer, just a fact of my illness. Medication adjusting isn't something I want to do. It's just been a steady stream of overlapping unfortunate events for months. My life had calmed down considerably after being bullied at my last job, doing a weekday single mom tour (among other things) and I relaxed. I moved in with Mr GV and allowed myself to become interdependent with him (TERRIFYING for me, but a good move). Things were relatively routine and nice for quite a while without being boring. It isn't going to be fucked up forever, but it's hard to look that far out.


Sigh. Feel free to dump your crap here.