Monopoly

It's one of the most popular games in the world, thus making it the primary reason people wind up fucking hating board games. Why? Because it's not designed for the modern world. You lose in Monopoly by running out of money. But then, every time you go around the board, you get more money, meaning it's that much longer before anybody loses. This is because Monopoly became popular during the Great Depression, when the purpose wasn't so much to finish the game but to make it go on longer so people could spend that much longer temporarily forgetting how fucking miserable their lives had become.

This doesn't even include things like not putting unsold properties up for auction, or giving tax money to players who land on Free Parking, or not sending someone to jail for rolling three straight doubles, all things which-wait for it-make the game go longer. If you've recently been exposed to Monopoly, I offer my deepest apologies. Plus, they ditched the iron for a fucking cat. Fuck you, Parker Brothers.

Candy Land

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Hey, let's just draw cards and move around that way. Whoo-hoo! Oh, it's for little kids? What, little kids can't even count the numbers of a fucking die? Go for Chutes and Ladders instead, and make your little one use the brain they still have a chance to have, unlike their parents.

Words With Friends

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Look, it was fine when Zynga kept it online. But then they made a physical board game copy as well. DON'T ACT LIKE IT'S DIFFERENT, ZYNGA. IT'S FUCKING SCRABBLE WITH A DIFFERENT BONUS SPACE LAYOUT AND A FEW LETTERS ARE WORTH DIFFERENT POINTS.

Bejeweled

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This is for both PopCap and Zynga: Just because a game is good online, does not mean it's good as a board game. Let's ignore the fact that the marketing for the board game version is exclusively to girls (even says "for girls" in this promotional video) even though the online game is liked by all genders, and just point out that it would be really easy to cheat at this since you can figure out which jewels you're drawing out of the bag by feeling them because they're all shaped differently. Facepalm.

Risk

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Nothing like setting up a 12 armies vs. one battle to conquer Yaktusk from Siberia (because who doesn't love to be in Yaktusk) and having some asshole roll a six with a red die 11 times in a fucking row.

Tic-Tac-Toe

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The only good thing that ever came out of realizing how fucking pointless this game is as even bathroom graffiti is that Joshua realized nobody would win World War III in just the nick of time.