Today sucked. The d-word was uttered. Yup, we talked about divorce. Well screamed at each other is more accurate. It was awful on both of our parts. We both said things to hurt the other purposefully. All of the stress and tension that having a new baby and dealing with postpartm depression came to a boiling point and my husband couldn't take it anymore. He was pretty harsh with me regarding the PPD. Basically telling me I just need to suck it up for Baby Haa and stop being selfish. That hurt. It hurt a lot because I know he right and because it means he doesn't think I am trying hard enough. He's probably right there too but I just feel like every avenue I turn ends up being a let down. The drugs haven't helped. The therapist hasn't helped. I can't even get in to see a psychiatrist. The LLL just never emailed me back. There are no postpartm depression support groups in my area according to Postpartum Support International.
We both ended up crying and saying how sorry we were. We don't want to split up but I don't think this can continue much longer either.
I'm trying really, really hard not to dwell on some of the more hurtful things he said to me but one thing is bothering me. He told me he told my mom that I used to self-medicate my anxiety/depression with pot a few weeks ago and he couldn't believe she hasn't bothered to call me to talk to me about it. That stung a lot because I have been feeling like my mom doesn't like me a whole lot lately. Obviously she loves me but I just don't think she cares for me as a person.