As I'm sure you are all DYING to hear more about this epic relationship debacle, I shall share it with you. (warning : much boring coming)
ETA: Why do I feel worse after the talk than before? Up is down? What is happening.
Last night I sat boyfriend down for a conversation. This conversation had two parts and I shall handle them accordingly.
I showed him my budget and how I literally have NO money for extra's (such as renting a car, or buying furniture). He understood and he was totally fine with me putting myself on a budget so long as he didn't have to budget his own money. He has plenty so he has no need for it (point in fact: sunday he'd gone to the store to get a cable and came back with a ps4). I'm okay with that. We also discussed a joint checking account and we might look further into that so that I can offer what I can and he can pick up the rest. He doesn't mind paying more for groceries. Problem solved!
So I tried to tackel this conversation again and although there are some conclusions I still feel really weird about it. The conversation was tiresome at the very least. I could hardly get a word in, I felt steamrolled most of the conversation and when he went "So what is it you want to say then??" I'd just go quiet and draw a blank. I had all these things I wanted to talk about but ended up just going "I needed you during my graduation period and you weren't there. And also I'm hurting and I don't know how to fix us and we need to both fix us."
2.1. Past : He felt that I was unfairly dredging up our past relationship. Unfairly because in the last years I didn't explain to him how I felt about things and he hadn't had a chance to better himself. He really is trying harder to listen to me, to be understanding and considerate. And I have noticed him doing that but I stil don't really feel understood about all the underlying problems.
2.2. Understanding : I feel like he doesn't really understand his part in this and isn't ready to pull his weight. Even though he _says_ he does. He kept saying "you noticed I'm trying, why would I be trying if I didn't understand? If I didn't see your hurting? I know you're hurting and that kills me and so I'm trying, I thought that was obvious." To which I settled with trying to get him to understand that he has to vocalize these things or I can't know. Even if he thinks it seems obvious.
2.3. Support : I felt he was not supportive during my graduation, he didn't feel like I included him in anything and I instead shut him out. Thought I wanted to deal with things on my own and because of that decided not to push me into talking about things I didn't want to.
2.4. Feeling heard : In this conversation every time I brought something up (which I often did wrong, in a manner of "you did this" although I mostly stuck with the "when you do this it makes me feel") but he felt attacked anyway. He kept responding to everything with a "Yeah but!", throwing the ball back to me. Instead of listening and acknowledging my feels. He has trouble explaining things to me and feels frustrated that I can't 'listen between the lines' to what he's trying to say rather than focusing on what he's saying. Example : him : "the way you feel when I say these things is wrong" me : "what I feel is not wrong. Feelings are never wrong. Maybe you mean, you feel they don't match up." him : "ugh. Yes. Yes that's what I mean"
2.5. Therapy : He doesn't want to go to therapy (or he'd have to think about it deeply first, he wasn't sure) because he feels that 1. I just want to go there to be validated and 2. because he feels I hold onto so much spite towards him that I wouldn't be open to working on things anyway. He has a bit of a point, I am quite angry at him and closed off to trying.
I could tell he was obviously frustrated at the whole conversation and I was downright ready to pack it all up. In the end we decided I was going to try to listen to him better and to put aside my anger towards him and open up to him to give this another chance. He is going to try to do better at being supportive, talking to me and listening to me and see if we get further.
I don't know GT. The whole conversation I could feel myself getting turned around and turned over. I shut down, I forgot all those good points that I had that I wanted to talk about. Advise from you guys, my mom or friends. He kept insisting on solutions from me which I said a million times, even at the beginning, that I didn't have. The whole time and stil now I felt like these here gifs. On the one hand I don't feel any better at all. On the other hand he'sles feelings. On the other hand I really do feel boyfriend was genuine (in his hurt and frustration) but that doesn't make my hurt any less...
I feel all turned around and confused! Maybe I'm creating problems where there are none.
TLDR : We decided that I'm going to try to understand him better, he's going to make a better effort at listening to me and better talking to me. I'm not sure how to feel about the talk.