Long time, no see.
Today's been rough. And I've had a pretty rough couple weeks. I hosted my regional director at my home for a few days, which meant furious cleaning for three days straight to prepare. Then he found out about all the shit I should have had done months ago but still isn't completed. The same day he left I went across the country or a conference, which was its own shit show, maxxed out my credit card, and returned home only to go immediately back to work, put out some fires, and then miss a speaking engagement (!) and stand up my intern. I've been so tired, I've had constant headaches, and I'm fixing to get fired from my second job because I keep calling in for stupid shit like headaches.
I realize this probably doesn't make a lot of sense minus the details, but long story short, my life is in shambles. (Yes, I am being melodramatic.) So today when I went into therapy I thought we could talk about the fact that I, you know, take on way too much stuff, inevitably fail to meet my responsibilities, and then hate myself for it.
Instead, my counselor immediately starts in asking me about my parents and my siblings again. I honestly never imagined I had so many family issues to work through, yet as of today, I have spent three hours crying to a therapist about my mom and my dad and my siblings. Especially my brothers? I guess my therapist is of the opinion that dealing with a lifetime of depression has something to do with long-standing family issues, lol lol. Maybe.
So on top of it all, some random lady in my office asked me if I was pregnant. I'm not. If I was in a better mood I would just laugh and say no or maybe "no I'm just fat." But I'm feeling emotionally raw from my counseling session and also like a total fuck up in general, so my growing belly is just more damning evidence of what a failure I am.
I am so confused right now, about how this counseling thing works, about how to get my shit together, etc....