I’m sorry that you guys get the brunt of this stuff, I’m just really struggling with my fears right now.
I’m trying really, really, really hard to not freak myself out about whatever is going on with Boyfriend and I right now. I am trying to give him some space because we just spent 6 days together with me ridiculously sick for 85% of it. He drove us all the way home, 15 hours straight, with me cold-medicine doped and hacking my lungs out for ALL OF IT. I couldn’t even sleep during it because I kept coughing, wheezing, and having to violently blow my nose. Also, no surprise here, but the last I heard from him yesterday was that he is now currently sick too. I kept having to stop myself from crying in the car on the way back because I felt so awful, just a combination of feeling so bad physically and getting frustrated that this vacation, which I thought was going to be this wonderful thing where we could connect, see beautiful places, and be intimate, ended 4 days early, and we spent most of it in two separate rooms.
I am struck by the fact that out of all of my talking about being afraid to be vulnerable and open with him and risk looking weak, bam, I get ill to the point of being delirious and bed-ridden WHILE we are totally isolated, and have to depend on him more or less completely.
The jerk part of my brain feels like I need to be in fight or flight mode. Like I messed something up beyond repair, like he must be irritated or angry with me, like he couldn’t wait to be away from me. Like he must have seen something in me in the past week that he doesn’t like or want to deal with, because this is what I am used to having happen. I am used to opening myself up and looking bare and vulnerable in front of another person and them turning and running from me. I am used to being called “too much to deal with”, “too much baggage”, “too serious” or “too needy” or whatever. I’m used to there always being another girl waiting in the wings. Also, there’s the fact that I got so ill in what is supposed to be one of his favorite places on earth.
I hate that this is where I am but I seriously feel like I’m gearing myself up to be broken up with, because this is just what happens to me. If I can assume that that’s what’s coming, I trick myself into thinking I’ve got some kind of control.
Please talk me off the cliff, GT. I know I am not being rational. I’m scared out of my mind, because this has become A Thing and it’s A Thing I care about deeply and I’m having a really hard time believing it’s going to stick around, because of this asshole voice in my head that always screams out “you don’t deserve it” or “he can do better” or “you always fuck things up.” My friends tell me that I’m a catch, and I can’t seem to believe it for the life of me.