Last weekend I visited my parents and talked about boyfriend a bit. Unsurprisingly they weren't very impressed. My dad felt like he was being a putz and my mom felt like he never really connected. That same weekend I finished the book I was reading and some switch in my brain was turned. This is the end of the line. I am no longer unsure if I want to leave. I'm no longer afraid of being alone. I'm leaving.

The only doubt was.. when.

I wanted to be properly prepared for 'the talk'. Those who've read my posts before know that boyfriend can be a bit of a steamroller when he gets going. And he doesn't need a lot to get going. So I had a plan.

Next monday is my day off. I'd get up, pack up my clothes, write down what I wanted to say to him, say goodbye to the house and wait for him to get home. This whole day would give me (hopefully) enough time to prepare for whatever shitstorm would come. I knew I wouldn't be able to pack up my shit with him here, I'd feel too uncomfortable. And I need my clothes, medicine, etc. to be able to be okay. I also know I can't hold this conversation with him if I don't have something written down to stick too.

Now there's a kink. My boss planned an important meeting on my day off and asked me to switch. I know like this doesn't sound like a big deal but it feels like it is! I don't want to miss the meeting but I felt so good having this 'deadline' to work towards that I felt like I could do it! Now everything is up in the air and it feels very panicky.

I could do it today. I worked from home yesterday because I was sick, I stayed home today because I still felt ill this morning, but I feel okay now. In order to do it today I'd have to write the letter (so I don't forget what I want to say), do laundry, pack up my shit, take a last bath and demand him to come home after work. It's friday so he probably has plans. It's already 1 in the afternoon and I feel panicked.


What do I do hive-mind?

Do I wait? Do I not wait? HOW do I say "This is nog a negotiation, it's a breakup." and "I love you, but I can't be with you anymore." I'm suddenly scared again.


(I'm so glad there's a gif to explain my feelings properly. I hope I too will make the jump. You brave brave puppy!)

ETA: This isn't the post I wanted to post. I wanted to wait until next week and proudly announce freeing myself from ambivalence. I failed :(