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Break up processing question

When you’ve been through a break up, how do you know when you’ve crossed the line from “I’m lonely and sugarcoating everything we went through” to “nope, we really are well matched and should be very good together (with improved communication about lessons learned the first time)”?

My boyfriend and I broke up somewhat suddenly in early December after 2.5 years together, and I’ve been trying to proactively process all of it. I am a firm believer in going No Contact, and he hasn’t reached out either. I am now able to put words to problems I couldn’t describe well before, and have had some deep realizations about my personality and needs as a girlfriend and person. I see how those needs (cliche daddy issues, really) played poorly against his relationship communication style (or cliched lack thereof, thanks to a terrible parental divorce.) I obviously don’t want to repeat the same relationship as before, but can objectively see that our lifestyles and desires as human beings should be the foundation of a very solid lifelong relationship. Because we haven’t been in contact, I have no idea if he has been making similar progress, or has just moved on.


I realize that I could be completely rejected if I contact him. I could also see that he hasn’t learned anything, and never will. Both would be a stepping stone to moving on from this position of “what if?”

I think I should talk through all of this with a therapist before I actually contact him, but I’m interested in everyone’s thoughts on reconnecting with exes. Thanks!

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