Hey everyone - I am livid and need help thinking of POSITIVE and PROSOCIAL ways of responding.

I had an idea for an evaluation project - I wrote the survey, pushed everyone to complete it, analyzed the data, wrote the report, had meetings with all stakeholders to ensure they supported the report, and then forwarded it to leadership. This was a shit ton of work - skilled work, and leadership was very impressed.

So, this guy (who is one of the stakeholders) had a meeting with all of the other stakeholders while I was out of state — and talked about how to implement some of the recommendations in the report. I told him I was out of state and asked that it be rescheduled, but he didn’t.

I just got an email (that he sent to all stakeholders, including me) that he met with admin today about the report and they need us to respond to some specific questions about our needs.

I did not know the meeting was going on, he did not talk to me about the meeting before or afterwards. He did all of this without me despite having not helped at all with any aspect of the report. But he is apparently taking credit for it and edging me out. He did this to another woman last year on another project. But we are in a female dominated field, so he is riding the glass elevator all the way to the top (fwiw, he is skilled and smart in his own right).

I am beyond livid. I have written angry emails that I won’t send, but now I need to respond for real - and I want to do it tonight. I want to be careful what I say in case the email gets forwarded - and also because we may well be longtime colleagues and collaborators. He is also extra sensitive and — I believe — threatened by me. He is also used to people fawning all over him, which I do not do.

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Any advice on positive, proactive, adult ways to respond — possibly in ways that assume positive intent rather than blind assumptions of nefarious intentions? Right now my positive, adult email just says, “Hey there, Can I ask why I wasn’t involved in the meeting today? Thanks!” Do you think that is sufficient?