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The daily struggle

Having a burn out is like being in a daily struggle where you try to balance keeping yourself healthy and safe, while also challenging yourself in order to build new energy. New energy can come from doing things you enjoy or challenging yourself to do things you’re afraid you cannot and finding that you can. It’s a challenge against the negative part of your brain, who can sometimes lure you in from comfort.

Today, the negative side is winning.

It lost on Tuesday. It won Wednesday. I conquered it Thursday. Today it won again.


Most days are neutral. I successfully balance rest, tasks & energy giving activities throughout the day and slowly I’ve built up some energy again since my relapse in December. The part of that I’m most proud of is that I’ve done so consciously. Which gives hope that I can continue the pattern to come to a stable place.

But in order to move forward you have to challenge yourself and do things that’ll make you happy. Since Tuesday, when boobieguy and I saw Muddy Waters Jr. live I haven’t felt really happy. I recognized the need for it but I was unable to find something to scratch the itch. Today there were two events I could have attended but I won’t attend either. I realised this morning that I was afraid to attend the Big Event because I was afraid of running into people I know and having to explain to them that I have a burn out and I don’t work right now. I realised I was and still am ashamed of my situation, even though I know it isn’t shameful to be in. Armed with this knowledge I decided that, although I was thinking about passing, I should go to the event. If for no other reason then to fight my own fear and to vanquish my own demon. This would give me energy, regardless of how it went! It would be perfect, we’d have some food and drinks, chat to some people. I’d feel invigorated by having gone and I’d be home in bed on time. I wouldn’t be destroyed by attending, I’d be strengthened.
But, as things often go, it didn’t go as planned. It turned out that my friends weren’t coming to the event until later (9ish, a perfectly reasonable time for anyone but me) when food & drinks will change to ‘party style atmosphere’. Which would be okay if I was just hanging around there for a bit longer before going home, but too much for me too arrive into. It’ll be too late for me. There will be too many stimuli. It’s half an hour bikeride to get there. Another half hour back. Without BG I can’t do that on my own. I won’t go there all on my own.
I can’t do it.
It’s too much.
Boobieguy already agreed to attend the other event (at his work) and was confused I wanted to go anyway since I’d mentioned maybe dropping by his event instead since the other thing seemed too big. He asked me questions. I couldn’t handle questions right then.
If I wanted him to come still. What the plan was. I broke down crying. I couldn’t handle it. My brain was fried from trying to work out if I should go to his thing and then I, or we, could go to the other thing afterwards when my friends had arrived while also trying to work out if that was something I wanted and something I could handle. Trying to plan and organise around this beast that I carry that is called my burn out. I was disappointed and angry that no one was taking my stupid burnout brain into account and that I had to do all the heavy lifting.
I can’t do it.
It’s too much.

I think I’ll stay in tonight. I’ve put my PJs back on and it’s not even 4 yet. Maybe I’ll order some take out, give myself some self-care that way. I want BG to go to his event, until late. Leave me alone with myself. I feel defeated. I know this feeling will keep on well into tomorrow or even until I find a thing to do to make it go away. Something to give me new energy.
I could do it Tuesday. The concert started at 8.30 and I was there for almost an hour an a half! All this thinking and planning and all these emotions have sucked up all the energy I had.
I can’t do it today.
It’s too much.

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