Hey guys. How are you? It’s been a while since I posted, although I’ve hung around lurking all the time. Frankly I just didn’t have the energy, nor anything interesting to say. Life is exhausting and I don’t know how to get by.
If you’ve seen my older posts you might know that I’ve been dealing with some health challenges for a while now. My thyroid has been acting up since may, it’s levels jumping up and down. This wasn’t helped by my GP who advised a slight alteration every time we tested. A bit more. A bit less.
In July I got an inflamed oesophagus and had a lot of tests done on my stomach and internal organs. They are all fine. I lost 24 pounds (12kg) in total and am now ever so slightly underweight, but my stomach seems to be fine now. All this research and all this time distracted away from what is probably the source of the issue : my thyroid.
I saw an endocrinologist today, finally. We had to wait two months. The result? Fairly little. I don’t think he cared the slightest when I explained that I am now less than 10% of who I was, energy-wise. That I’ve gone from 36hr workweeks to 8hr weeks. That I cannot do social events or practice hobbies. Because I’m exhausted. Nearly all the time. We’ll test again in another 3 weeks, and meet the week after. See if I feel any different. Basically the same thing as has been going on for the last months. I feel.. less than heard.. I know that I have another few months, at best, of feeling shit to look forward to. Regardless if this doc manages any results or if I go get a second opinion. Months more of feeling this way is a thought I can hardly swallow. If it wasn’t for boobieguy I would’ve given up by now.
I feel worthless. I do not contribute in life, in my relationships or at work (maybe a bit, god some projects are floundering without me). I don’t like going to work. Even though I enjoy it while I’m working and in my flow for the hour I can manage. I’m fairly certain the stress from work is what caused this cascade of events to start.
I’m exhausted from trying to take enough rest and trying to get better. I sought all the help that I could possibly use. Gave up trying to fix everything my damn self. I have health related appointments 1-3 times a week. Every day I keep up with trying to eat enough, do the exercises my physical therapist gave me (for my neck, because: headaches), do headspace (meditation) so I keep myself from too negative spirals or from getting overwhelmed by thoughts or stimuli, fill in my sheet for a psychologist (who I started seeing last week because I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes.)
Some weeks I feel fine and hopeful. I do my things, I feel proud for having accomplished at least that, I even try to do some positive things to try and cheer myself up. See friends for lunch, read a bit, buy flowers, make something. But then something like today happens and I don’t know how I’ll be able to get up again tomorrow morning. I don’t know why I’d bother. It’s never going to get any better. And yet.. A year ago I wasn’t in such a place. I was learning to play the guitar, going out regularly, drawing, reading, writing. Enjoying. Now I have a bunch of ideas for stories and drawings but I can’t get myself to make them. Because I’m too tired to pick up a pen. Or because I just don’t feel any enthusiasm to do any of the things I used to enjoy. Or I do feel enthusiastic but I know that I’ll just end up too tired to do it anyway. Or I do the thing and I just screwed future me over because I decided to do the dishes when I was tired and now I’m even more spent.
I’m exhausted. I don’t know if the problems start in my head or my thyroid and at this point I couldn’t give a sh**. I just want to be my old self again.
Anybody had related problems and any words of advice or encouragement? I’d greatly appreciate it.