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Illustration for article titled Burt Reynolds Is Still My Spirit Guide

As some of you may or may not have noticed, yes I changed my name. And boy, did some of you notice. Holy shit. OK there.


I submitted some stuff for freelancing here and long story short, I would either have to create a whole new Kinja thing or do this. But I did not take this decision lightly.


I made the change only after a convening a long time with my spirit guide, Mr. Burt Reynolds.

First, I sojourned deep into the recesses of my VHS collection and emerged with several seasons of “Evening Shade.” I took the tapes and a poster of ‘Malone’ to a sweat lodge in an undisclosed location near Tallahassee. (This is to protect the sacred grounds where Burt’s spirit is known to make appearance. Would not want it to get overrun with tourists) For three days, I ate no food and consumed no water, only nourshing myself with Burt’s Emmy-winning performance as ex pro-footballer turned coach Wood Newton.


Finally, on the Fourth Day, Burt appeared to me. I asked him an important question, one that will help me achieve true spiritual enlightenment.

Me: Burt. How did you manage to always have such pitch perfect comedic timing with Charles Durning, even after four seasons?


Burt: We played off of each other as the wind plays off the mountain. Also, [REDACTED]

Me: I see. Your wisdom is so grand.

Burt: There is much more you have to learn.

Me: But—I thought I had come so far.

Burt: So. You have to begin the true journey. And you cannot, until you do something.


Me: Anything, Burt. Do you want me to rent a copy of ‘City Heat’ to help your residuals?

Burt: You must release your name.

Me: NO, what? I love my name! I am BRIMSG! I am nothing without it!

Burt: Precisely. Just as Earnest Stickey, in “Stick,” you must go back to where you started, alone and disavowed. Just like Nick Escalante in “Heat” you must go rogue, and turn away from the things that you trust.


Me: You are wise, Burt.

Burt: Yes.

Me: Also. Like sooooo good in ‘The Man Who Loved Women.’ You totally should have won an Oscar for that.


*I’m sorry, I cannot share the rest of this story with you. It is for me and me alone. When you convene with Burt, you will learn your own secrets.

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