Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

My best friend is the Poison Ivy to my Harley Quinn. She's pointing out the obvious to me with loving sarcasm, and I'm up in the clouds with my quirkiness.


We both got shitfaced last night on cognac (which I had to pour because I'm the resident "bartender"). She was saving it for her party. Somewhere down the line, everyone decided to play Catchphrase. The game quickly devolved into "What the Hell are VV and and her bestie saying?". She had something like "Right of Way", and decided to just say "VV is my left foot girl". That was the hint. I replied "I'm the person that's going to buy every copy of your future novel, so you bet I am!". When I got "Academy Awards", I looked at her and said "We watch this every year and you better know what I'm talking about!". She guessed right, and then we started laughing like idiots.

She edits my papers and I edit hers. We are so alike it's creepy. She was my first real college (and possibly ever) friend. We like David Bowie. We've swapped clothes and bathing suits. She snores really loud, and I had to kick her once to get her to stop. She mumbled "VV, shut up, you're talking about nonsense in your sleep". She coined the phrase "Oh, VV", when I say something that makes no sense. I've seen her cry, and she consoled me after my first break-up. And she never judges me. Always supports me. In fact, here's the song she made up when I was in rehab!

They tried to make VV go to rehab and she said "no and fuck you, maybe, ok",

When she gets back, I'll still have her back, oh, oh, oh,

She's gonna be just fine,

She kicked those pills this time,

They got VV to go to rehab and this song kinda rhymes.

True friend. I laughed so hard. She knows that it was a bad time for me, and the fact that she was in my corner made me feel so good.


If we were to rob a bank (which is not the plan, so far), I'd end up the girl who holds the place up, a la Dog Day Afternoon (screaming "Attica! Attica!", because why not?), and she'd be outside with the car running, wondering why I was taking so long. Then we would discuss Dog Day Afternoon while trying to figure out where we'd go from here.

So, who would drive the getaway car for you? And why? Best friend talk time!

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