Aw yeah, I've been HIRED! By a job that feels good and right and not weird!
I have not heard from Job #1 since the infamous email rescinding their offer of employment. I'm tempted to not say a word to them about officially turning down the position (which I'm not obligated to do since they rescinded their offer!) but I feel like that comes too close to bridge burning. I will send a very polite email letting them know that I have accepted another job, and from the comfort of my computer desk give them the finger.
The job I accepted is so much more up my alley anyways, and they dealt with their hiring process in a way that was not only orderly and efficient, but thorough. It made me feel really confident that I was going into a well run company. Their offer was baller, and they even went out of their way to tailor it to me based on things I'd said in my interview. Plus, they don't need me to start for two weeks, so I have time to go visit Grandma!
Thanks to everyone who told me to trust my gut on this. I feel like a huge weight has lifted, and I'm really looking forward to this new job. You guys are the best!