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On the night we were married, we took our wedding party (read: siblings and former roommate) to the redlight district of our town (read: the street with the bars). Half of them piled into FluterDude's car and the rest rode the hotel shuttle with me.

We had a grand old time. We drank some stuff. We may or may not have walked past CandySummers without realizing it. I persuaded a shot girl to sell me four shots at twice their normal price because I'm a genius.

FluterDude doesn't really drink; he likes to be social and he came for the food. File this away for future reference.


On the way back from the grand night out, half of the people piled into FluterDude's car and the other half rode the hotel shuttle with me. The shuttle group got to the hotel first and I waited in the lobby so that FluterDude could take me home to our now-legitimate pets (and so we could sleep. Weddings are exhausting, y'all!)

He didn't show. And he kept not showing.

Apparently, as he left the Red Light District of Our Town, he pulled forward to check oncoming traffic. His goal was to make a right on red, which was legal, but his accomplishment was attracting the attention of Local P.D.

Since he was leaving the bar street, it was justifiable cause to pull him out of the car. He smelled vaguely of booze (I may have spilled a red shot on him. I don't recall this, but the officer wouldn't lie, would he?) FluterDude was administered a field sobriety test.

You guys don't know FluterDude, but he's a sensitive guy. He was - quite legitimately - terrified. And also in flip-flops. So when he was asked to put one foot in front of another, he stumbled over his own shoes. Drunk: Strike 1.

He was asked to say his alphabet from a certain letter to another - we'll say from L to Q. He was nervous, and before he knew it, he was on RST-U-ohshit. Drunk: Strike 2.

He was asked to count backward from 72-54. Try it. He stumbled into 51 and it was Drunk: Strike 3.

They asked him to use a breathalyzer. He blew a 0.0 because he had tasted my beer and spent the rest of the evening drinking Diet Coke. FluterDude is an upstanding citizen that way. He was given a warning and a great story, both of which are being recorded in our scrapbook.

[Fastforward a month or so, the radio announced that our town will be doing sobriety checkpoints this weekend. I may or may not have forwarded this information to everyone who was present that evening, and they may or may not be calling/texting all night to "warn" him. He has yet to realize this was pre-arranged.]

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