Just cause, like... it's hard to talk about this with people irl, y'know? It's hard to start that conversation, although maybe I just need to drink with my friends more! But this is long and rambley, so feel free to use this as a sex OT if you want to talk about things!!
I don't like sex. I just don't like it.
It's gotten so bad that I'm wondering if I ever liked it - and I can't tell if that's because it's true, or it's just a momentary opinion, or what.
I am in the longest relationship I've ever been in - 3.5 years and counting, and my longest before that was 1 year. That one ended because I started avoiding my boyfriend because I couldn't communicate to him that I didn't want to have sex first every time we ever hung out, because I wanted to be a Cool Girl (tm) but I also wasn't, hence the avoidance. It was not good.
I just... the things I get out of sex are not physical. I used to feel powerful through my sexuality. When I was hooking up with people casually, I got a rush out of the attention, out of being pursued or actively pursuing someone successfully, out of being intimate with a new person, out of feeling desirable. And being good in bed is such a valued skill for women that I tried really damn hard at it, and I was good.
And somewhere along the way, I realized that... almost everything about sex (besides actually having it in the first place) was for my partner. I never, ever orgasm during sex. I came once in 2010 with my boyfriend at the time while we were experimenting with anal - the first time was a DISASTER, so we were using a vibrator, and it actually worked, but was never recreated. My boyfriend in 2008 was really good at oral, and I came twice with him (IN EIGHT MONTHS). That is the extent of my orgasm-during-sex experiences.
With my boyfriend now, there is no excitement. There's no feeling of power, because he's a sure thing and all (that sounds horrible, but we have had sex multiple times a week for 3.5 years, so, y'know). I don't feel desirable, because he wants it literally no matter what I look like or how I'm behaving, and when I'm feeling down I feel like it's just the act he's attracted to, not me. I don't do anything particularly interesting in bed, because he needs to be in control to have an orgasm, so I don't feel skilled. And nothing feels that good (whether he's in control or I am) and I honestly don't know what could feel better, so I can't give him pointers. I'm just... bored. I'd rather read, or take a bath, or watch TV, or sleep, or even go fucking grocery shopping. Ugh.
Is this... normal? Do people out there feel passion into long term relationships? Do you have to change things up? Are there any other people like me out there, who think they enjoy sex for the non-sex parts of sex? I feel like now that sex (in my relationship) has become almost entirely about the physical act, there is nothing in it for me. I do it still for maintenance, basically, but we had sex last night and I just wanted to stop out of pure boredom. It's getting worse. GAH.
I only really noticed this because I got paired up with a groomsman at a wedding this past weekend (I was a bridesmaid) who was pretty hot, and flirting with me, which was shocking for some reason. I avoided him for a while, but he was persistent and switched seats to sit beside me for dinner. By the end of dinner I was thoroughly charmed, and after being forced to dance with him by the bride (UGH, BRIDE, NO MEANS NO) I had a blast. He was an excellent dancer, and fucking sexy, and made me feel amazing, and didn't cross any lines. And I started to think about how I would have slept with him if I was single, for all of the emotional/power/fun experiences involved in meeting someone new and playing that game, but not cause my lady bits were getting riled up or anything. I don't know if they ever have.
OMG THIS IS SO LONG. Sorry, you guise. I looked into seeing a sex therapist - there is one in my city who is country-famous and is an expert in low libido, but she's $150 a session, my insurance covers $20 of that, and she says she prefers couples who only have troubles 'between their knees', and we do have troubles outside of that, so idk. That's very expensive for me.
If you got this far (or if you didn't!) feel free to use this as a sex open thread! Groupthink After Dark baby!!
[P.S. I am still texting with Mr. Tall and Handsome from the wedding and this is a BAD BAD BAD IDEA and I will probably write about that sometime soon. I am addicted to this attention, I haven't had it in years and it feels amazing. Fuck.]