I don't know if any of you remember back in early January when I posted about applying for a fellowship abroad. It's a human rights fellowship, and I want to work in transitional justice, specifically with women - how women are included in transitional mechanisms and peacebuilding activities. It would have been a great experience. Lots of GTers were really helpful and supportive, and I thought I had at least a shot.

Yesterday I got my rejection email. That's okay, that's fine. It sucked, but there'll be other things (maybe, if I can find them) and I am on the youngest end of people who can apply and have very little experience, blah blah blah. So last night I'm hanging out with Mr. Toad's friends, a little buzzy, feeling a lot better. Then all these girls show up who are perfectly fine, but I don't really know them and they dominate the conversation and all, so Mr. Toad and I go to bed. We can still hear them clear as day, but at least we're by ourselves.

Well, after a while, one of them starts talking about how she applied for this same fellowship. She started by saying she didn't really know what it was about, how she wasn't super excited about any of the cities, so I figured she also got her rejection email today. Nope, turns out she got an interview, cue the congratulations and impression - salt, meet wound.

I know that logically, she's a year older than me, probably has more experience, etc. She seems like a really nice girl, I'm sure she deserves it and all! But she wasn't even sure what the fellowship was about, and she still got an interview. I worked really really hard on that application, and I didn't even make it past the first round. I just feel like I'm not good enough for this - for anything. I started therapy again on Monday and that's definitely opened up a lot of emotions.

But really, I feel like my future is in question. Like maybe I've missed the boat; maybe since I didn't do anything last summer because my internship fell through I'm screwed. Maybe I'm just not smart enough. Maybe I won't find anything else - I'm already struggling with that. Maybe it just won't happen.


Mr. Toad has something really nice planned for Valentines Day and I'm trying to get myself out of bed and in the shower and get dressed and excited and all, but really what I want to do is sit in bed and do work forever so I feel somewhat worthwhile.