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Cat vs. Dog

The vet prefers one of our pets to the other. I totally do too, but she doesn't live with them and has taken vows of neutrality as part of the Veterinary Hippocratic Oath.

This is a problem. This cannot stand! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE, GROUPTHINK.

My extreme dissatisfaction with this situation can only be solved by completely valid, scientific methodology and/or another opportunity to shamelessly promote my favorite pet (and the other one) on GroupThink for much fawning, oohing, aahing, and perhaps a CuteOverload.

Ladiez and Gentlepeople of GroupThink, it's time to vote for your favorite FluterPet.

Up first, we have Sh*tty K*tty!


Weighing in somewhere between 11 and 17 pounds of orange hatred, this K*tty is prone to violent mood-swings and reenacting scenes from Speed Racer in the living room. His favorite nocturnal activity is knocking stuff off of shelves, and lately he's figured out how to aim them at the bed!

Now that he's streamlined and not barfing on things, he can leap tall cabinets in single bounds! He cuddles from 9 p.m. until approximately 11:45, but does NOT tolerate belly rubs unless they happen while you are visiting the facilities. He kicks kitty litter across the apartment and has been known to despoil upholstery! He prefers to eat fourteen times a day! He can open tupperware containers, cabinets, fridges, and has been known to break into screw-on lids without the benefit of thumbs!

Best yet, Sh*tty can be effectively described using male, female, and neutered pronouns! Since his perineal ureteroscopy, he is biologically - but not physically - male! I'm not sure what the PC term for that is, but this cat is breaking gender boundaries!

In the other corner, we've got FluterDog!

Weighing in at just under 60 lbs, this Airedale Terrorist spits in the eye of the phrase "man's best friend" by fearing strange men! And trees, balloons, wheelchairs, skateboards, plastic bags, and sudden bursts of wind.

FluterDog boasts a sensitive stomach and talent of spinning in circles while suffering from bouts of diarrhea. Her favorite time to go outside is right after her humans have fallen asleep! She greets all apartment guests with a deep, deep bellow and then refuses to be touched, but meet her in the dog park and become her best friend!

She doesn't fetch, she doesn't tug, and she pretends not to know "roll over" (but she totally KNOWS IT, people), so her only trick is, "Go to bed!" She likes to throw her food all over the place and whine when it can't be retrieved from under the fridge, tends to cave to Sh*tty K*tty's wishes, and she looks great in seasonal headbands.

Ladiez and Gentlefolks, don't miss this golden opportunity to prove science wrong! (Just go with it folks, I'm heavily medicated.) Cast your vote now: TEH CAT or THE DAWG. and give one FluterPet an obvious boost toward Total Pet Supremacy! (Witty gifs will be scored accordingly)

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