My adventures as I spent 7 hours today working in a coffee shop because I had a tight deadline and I needed to be in Beast Mode - away from fiancés and wienerdogs and undone laundries and televisions.

(Timing of events is approximated).

11:45am. Ordered a grilled cheese. Someone asked me if it was the vegan cashew cheese (WHAT? NO). I said no, and that I can't eat nuts (and refrained from telling him that I worship real animal cheese as my god). He tells me that dairy makes him diarrhea. We share an intimate stare and then some mutual mortification.

12:30. Someone I know (another creative freelancer type) comes in. We both avoid eye contact until much later. I am in crisis mode with my deadline and every time he and I see each other we have nothing to say except OH HEY, YOU'RE HERE WORKING ON THAT STUFF YOU ALWAYS DO. ME TOO. BYE. I'm glad we mutually know that we just don't want to talk to each other, haha.

1:15. Someone touches my hair. I turn around. A child tells me my hair is pretty. Her hands are full of peanut butter. (Add this to my list of "pros" about getting my tubes tied)

2:30. Strange guy motions for me to take my headphones off. Asks me if I am an engineer. I say no. Then asks me where to buy a good poboy. I tell him, but as usual it's not what he wants to hear (re: he wants somewhere in the touristy areas). He asks me if I have a boyfriend. Great.


3:45. I finally acknowledge acquaintance, because everyone sitting between us leaves and we are literally staring across the room at each other.

4:00. My boss calls, hears whatever dancy hippity-hoppity hipstery music is playing, and asks me if I am at a rave, because historically, she seems to think all parties are called "raves."

4:45. BFF texts me "turducken human centipede" with no explanation.

5:15. She answers me with, "It just seems like a good idea." She is planning on sewing a chicken's neckhole area to a duck's ass, then the duck's neckhole area to a turkey's ass, and trying to cook these. For Thanksgiving with me and my fiancé and her mother.


5:30. Brother texts me, asking how much I would charge to paint his girlfriend's cat wearing a Conquistador outfit. I tell him I'll do it for free if he pays shipping (I owe him favors). He decides he is too cheap for that and says nevermind. FREE ART IS TOO EXPENSIVE.

5:45. Miraculously, I finish before my deadline. Send the email out with a big long set of notes. Forget attachment.

6:15. I've walked home, started fucking around on Jezebel, and my boss calls me telling me there was no attachment. Not that 15 minutes late is a big deal, but all my high self esteem from finishing this in an impossible amount of time disappears.