As previously mentioned, Cute Boy Person and I finally had the talk and making out session.
Me: I feel like we’re both hesitant to escalate physically for the protection of the other.
Cute Boy Person: Hmmmm. Yeah, that sounds about right.
Me: Which is stupid.
Cute Boy Person: Pretty much. We should stop doing that.
Me: Sounds good.
Within 20 minutes, I kissed him. We actually did discuss the reasons that we were acting that way but I managed to do that without causing performance anxiety, which was good because that would be extra silly.
Everyone kisses differently. Some guys kiss in ways that really don’t do much for me but I adjust to their style because it makes things easier. CBP hasn’t been on a date since I’ve known him, which is a decade, and I don’t know how much experience he had with women before that. I was not particularly hopeful that I would like the way he kisses and I expected that he would be hesitant to be aggressive in any way. I went into this assuming that I was going to have to train him a bit, which is a small price to pay for an awesome dude. I figured that we’d make out a bit, it would be awkward but we’d just try again later and work out all of the bugs eventually.
Well, I was wrong. I was very, incredibly, astoundingly wrong. We got the bugs worked out in about 4 seconds and things just got better from there. I think fire may have shot out of my crotch about 15 minutes in. Our pants stayed on but as hot and heavy as things got, I seriously considered taking them off. I was a puddle of endorphins. It’s good that we did not actually have sex but my body really wanted me to.
Me: I don’t know what you mean. I’m sweet and innocent.
CBP: Do you even know what those words mean?
Me: Newp. Not really.
Eventually, CBP realized that it was getting pretty late and he still had to drive out of town with the fastest route closed due to construction, which meant a 3+ hour drive.
CBP: It’s after midnight. I should go.
Me: Yeah, you have a long drive still.
CBP: Jesus, put some clothes on!
Me: Yeah! Who do I think I am? Miley Cyrus?
CBP: Um… there’s a mouse right here.
Me: Is he looking at you?
CBP: Yes. I think he’s stuck.
Me: Oh, well we should make more little cubbies that they can’t get out of.
CBP: I know, right? Actually, I think he’s dead.
Me: Huh. Maybe he got stuck and died. You know what’s really awesome? Baggies.
I walked in with a baggie turned inside out on my hand, picked up the mouse with the baggie glove, reinverted it, and sealed it up. As I left the bathroom, I noticed that the mouse had not died of natural causes; he was bloody.
Me: Um… I think he killed himself.
CBP: Why do you say that?
Me: Well, he’s bloody. I think he flung himself from a great height.
CBP: From where?
Me: They can climb the shower curtain.
CBP: They can? Well, we did kill all of his friends.
Me: And probably his children. And we demolished his home.
CBP: Man, we’re mean. Poor little guy.
Me: We are super mean. He probably climbed up to the top of the shower curtain and yelled Geronimo and flung himself off.
CBP: Goodbye, cruel world! I guess the interstate was too far away.
Me: I heard his name was Frank. I mean, I read it on the internet.
CBP: Well then it must be true.
I’ve renamed him Geronimouse.
Accessory After the Fact
Me: So, I noticed that you were in the dildo drawer.
CBP: Was I?
Me: Yeah, it’s the top drawer of the dresser that has the cords sticking out of it. Out of the vibrator drawer. It looks like you opened the top drawer to move it.
CBP: I didn’t look in it. I didn’t clean anything in there, by the way. I don’t know if the mice got into it. That might be gross.
Me: I didn’t see anything in the dildo drawer. They did try to eat one of my vibrators, the little bastards. Poop everywhere. I'll clean that.
I opened the drawer and pulled out the Hitachi Magic Wand.
Me: Well, it’s not the vibrator itself, actually. This is the Hitachi Magic Wand, most popular vibrating workhorse “not for genital use.” Any time a vibrating product says “not for genital use,” it’s totally for genital use.
CBP: Of course. That looks good for home protection too. Nice bludgeon you got there.
Me: Ack! That might break it! Some companies make attachments for it. [I pulled the attachment off.] This one is just a cover. Some of them have penises sticking out of the side. Anyway, the mice ate part of the cover and now I can’t use it. Cause ew. It sucks too cause it was dishwasher safe and will cost like $20 to replace. It’s important to sterilize the toys.
CBP: [in lightbulb just went off voice] And a dishwasher may as well be an autoclave.
Me: Oh my god. I have an awesome idea! I’m going to put it on one of my action figures as a hat and not tell anyone what it is, then have guests over and see who recognizes it!
CBP: Yes! I don’t know which one it would work on though.
Me: I could put it on Zim and pretend it’s a shower cap.
CBP: A shower cap?
Me: Yeah, there’s an episode where he wears a shower cap and I sticks way up off the top of his head and I think it has purple on it.
CBP: I dunno. Clearly, we need to test this.
Me: [I jump off the bed.] For science!
We brought the cover to the living room and tried it on Invader Zim. It wasn’t right. CBP tried it on my Gloomy Bear bobble head but that didn’t work. Then he tried this other thing that I don’t even know what it is; it was a gift made of awesomeness. He tried my Our Lady of Perpetual Paychecks prayer candle. As he was putting it on Tyreal, I realized which action figure was the best one. It had a head that would support it and part of its clothing was the same color purple.
Also, that cat poops jelly beans.