My life has taken an....interesting turn of events.

I found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant a couple weeks ago. I am now 7 weeks pregnant, and despite the HORRIBLE timing, I’m keeping it. When I first found out, I was at the Planned Parenthood the next day. I planned on getting an abortion. I got a referral for the local abortion clinic, did the 24 hours before appointment, paid the $200 up front.

The night before my appointment, I realized that this was probably one of the few chances I would get to actually carry a child of my own. Anything that can be wrong with one’s uterus is wrong with mine and I’ve been told since I’ve reached childbirthing age that it’s unlikely that I would actually conceive (LOL). Even funnier, the father isn’t super fertile either thanks to an unfortunate incident with his balls as a teenager. And we were using condoms. That’s like hitting the luckiest (unluckiest?) jackpot ever. As I was driving to the clinic the next day, I turned around and canceled my appointment.

The father and I haven’t been dating very long (October), but he’s been surprisingly supportive and excited. My family and friends are also much more supportive than I thought they would be, and my mom is over the moon about being a grandma. I’ve actually become pretty zen about the situation, except for a few things.

I’M NOT DUE TIL DECEMBER. THIS THING IS ALREADY ANNOYING ME. I would much rather deal with a screaming infant than be pregnant for another minute. I am so uncomfortable already. Morning sickness, I haven’t pooped in close to two weeks despite all my efforts (THEY DON’T TELL YOU ABOUT THAT PLEASANT SIDE-EFFECT), my boobs have gone from B cups to D cups almost literally overnight and show no signs of stopping, I’m so bloated I feel like I could pop, and somehow 13 hours of sleep is not enough. Also I cried in Meijer yesterday because they didn’t have the kind of cheesecake I wanted.

The more I read on pregnancy and the more questions I have about what is normal and what isn’t (google is my best friend now), the more I realize that mommy wars start at conception. Are you craving junk food? WELL DON’T EAT IT BECAUSE YOUR KID WILL BE FAT FOREVER AND SO WILL YOU. Are you physically active? Because if you’re not, you should totally be running marathons. Do you already run marathons? WELL DON’T BECAUSE YOU’RE A TERRIBLE MOTHER AND YOU’RE HARMING YOUR UNBORN CHILD. Everything you do is wrong. You’re already setting your child up for failure. You’re already a terrible parent and you don’t have your baby’s best interests at heart if you’re doing a,b, or c and if you’re not doing x, y, or z. It’s already incredibly frustrating and disheartening.

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Also, I’ve gone into retirement from stripping, and semi-permanent from pole-dancing. Which bums me out, because I’m going to have to teach myself how to do a lot of things over again. I don’t know much about pregnancy, but I’m pretty sure an activity that requires balancing mid-air and doesn’t have a lot of room for large round bellies to slam against a metal pole and has a high likelihood for injury is probably frowned upon. So my favorite hobby is currently out of the question and I am so bored and miserable. Walking and pregnancy yoga just isn’t going to cut it for me.

So what’s up GT?