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Children’s Stories Made Horrific over at The Toast

This is an interesting feature they have over there. Rewriting popular children's stories to be absolutely terrifying. In the past, they've done The Giving Tree, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, The Little Prince, Madeline, and the like. But I was really fascinated by the most recent story, Beauty and the Beast. Most traditional fairy tales are already horrorshows, but I always thought Beauty and the Beast was the worst of them. Especially after the Disney movie. It's just romanticized Stockholm Syndrome, and no thank you. It's not a happy ending.

Nothing needed to be changed to make this story terrifying. Mallory Ortberg's version is honest, but maybe even a little less horrific than the original?

The merchant was loath to part with any of his daughters to this monster, but he loved his own life, and fathers have given their daughters to monsters before.


"Have you come willingly to me?" the Beast asked her. "Have you come of your own accord?"

"Ye — e — es," she said, trembling. Her "no" wore the shape of a "yes," and this lie was good enough for everyone involved.

"Oh, daughter," said the merchant, embracing Beauty, "I am almost frightened to death, believe me, you had better go back, and let me stay here."

It did not count, and he did not mean it, but still he took credit for the making of the offer.


But The Velveteen Rabbit? That'll keep you up at night.

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