So instead of waiting to be invited to the big family dinner that I have always hated going to, going despite not wanting to, and then being depressed for four or five days afterwards, I decided to make my own easter plans. I asked my mom and grandfather to go out to a yummy fondue restaurant (CHIZ!!!) with me. I am completely sidestepping the rest of the family.
It feels really weird to do exactly what I want or, ahem, "take care of myself" which is becoming a slightly less foreign concept as time goes on. Anyway, I am excited. I am having breakfast with the one cousin that I've got a good relationship with tomorrow morning and then I have a bbq to go to tomorrow afternoon, and will be spending easter morning with another friend of mine pre-fondue dinner.
I am still feeling a little sad and down but I am giving myself permission to feel that and move through it. I'm telling myself that I am in a mourning period from cutting a lot of people who I have had extremely difficult relationships with out of my life. It's sad because there are a (very) few happy memories that I had with them, and even though they are shitty and have been awful, they're still a part of my history and it's hard letting that go, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's necessary right now.
Also, this was weird, but I am proud of how I handled it: I was on the phone with a friend of mine a few days ago. I told her that I was feeling a little sad and heartachy about cutting off contact with my family and she...didn't know how to deal with that I guess. She got really uncomfortable and went radio silent on the phone and was just like "I don't know why you're all sad and worried over people you didn't want to see anyway, why are you wasting the energy?" I think normally I would have taken that as a personal attack and tried to explain or justify my feelings, but instead I told her that I felt judged and criticized by her comments after I was trying to be vulnerable and open with her. That was a really huge step for me. I'm learning more about who exactly is safe to be open and emotional with, and I have tried with this friend in the past and gotten very cold/judgmental responses, but just kept my mouth shut and sat on my hurt feelings instead of having a voice. She then told me she just didn't want me to be sad and that for her, she feels like she can just shut her feelings off when she doesn't want to think about the bad....yeah, it doesn't work like that for me. I've tried that. It felt inauthentic/emotionally dishonest. So I just asked her to trust me to work my process the way I need to and told her that in the future, if she's trying to be supportive towards me I just need her to listen instead of trying to fix it or pass judgment.
Anyhoo. Happy Passover/Easter weekend, GT. Love you guys. I hope you're all doing exactly what you want to as well this holiday.