Nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy. So it is with all things in life, whether we are wrestling free of bonds in chase of ourselves or trying to decide what to have for lunch. One might carry far more weight than the other, but the basic truth remains. And like that basic truth will always exist, so do dad wisdoms, because there's no wisdom quite like that of your dad. Read on for some on point quotes from my dad (and an update in the story).
Last night ex-boyfriend returned to the home we shared. It was entirely unexpected but a massive power outage in the region meant he couldn't get to his parents and he didn't want to spend the night on friends' couches. He had a bit to drink and we had it out. We talked about many things, GT and it's influence on me (of course) how I make things heavy. I pointed out how he was a part of that. Much of the conversation went with me asking "what is it you want to get out of this conversation?! Why are we rehashing this? I never wanted to have this conversation again in the first place, why are we still having this conversation??". I felt exasperated, pushed and exhausted. Eventually we calmed down and had some kind moments, admitted that we'd miss each other and loved each other but this was the end, for now.
This morning he wrote his own letter back to me, to help him get his thoughts out. He wrote I'm the love of his life and I was everything he could've hoped or wished for in a partner. He wrote he couldn't handle me being single and away from him but he would have to accept my decision. We talked later and he said that he was sorry for all the pain I felt and hoped that I'd be able to be happy and maybe we could even find each other again. He said he'd wait for me. Not years, but a while. So I'd know the door was open. I left with a teary goodbye and went to my parents.
Now I'm at my parents place. I had a cup of coffee with my dad and talked a bit about the breakup. He mentioned this was the third strike, when I corrected him and told him it was the second he commented "third, he called you a cow that one time". That made me chuckle. That did happen and so did so much more. We've had an explosive relationship at times. But also warm and kind and comforting. All aspects of the relationship rainbow, good and bad.
But dad had some more wisdom to share that I wanted to, in turn share with you. They are too good to keep to myself!
- When I mentioned that I needed this time to work on myself because I took things far too heavily he said "You've always done that. But that's you. There's nothing wrong with that. You know why? Because it's the only you you have and it's a GOOD you."
- About GT and about writing out my thoughts and discussing them he said "That's great, writing about things is very good. Asking the question is half of the answer."
- About how ex-boyfriend saw the way things happened/how I felt differently and my subsequent sharing of my thoughts "But that's not true. There are no two truths. That is YOUR personal truth and it's the only truth for you."
- About how ex-boyfriend always mentioned how I made things so heavy for myself "You know what, he might be right. He probably is right. But that still doesn't help. It still makes you unhappy. He'll always be who he is and you'll always be who you are. And there's nothing wrong with that."
- And a "Life is too short to be that unhappy." for good measure.
I don't think I'll ever stop hoping that he'll get published or at least stitched onto pillows or something. For his faults, he has a beautiful way with words. I feel calm now. Sad and slightly numb but very calm with the situation.