Oh, my god, you guys. I just had a thing happen, that has never happened to me before and I hope it never, ever does again.

Let me preface this by saying that I am rarely averse to "slumming it" when it comes to food, and my favorite sushi place, my favorite Thai place, and my favorite Vietnamese deli are all always on the health department's shit list. But I don't care. They've never done me wrong, I trust them.

So, today is my mumsy's birthday, so we are out for a spot of lunch. We decide to pop into a little Thai hole-in-the-wall that looks good and has a steady flow of other diners. Halfway into the soup, a bug that looks like a miniature cockroach runs across my side of the table, about the size of a dried pea. My only reference for what a roach looks like are from the teevee and the bug house at the zoo. I freaking hate bugs, especially on my table, so I kind of scramble around a bit and try to get it with my napkin, but I miss. Then I try to forget.

About fifteen minutes later, HE RETURNS! This time, I leap up from the table, and SMASH THE BASTARD WITH MY FIST! The waiter immediately comes rushing over when I start saying, "aah! aaah!" and shouts, "I got it!" but I have already gotten it. I go to wash my hands.

At this point, mom and I are now feeling a little skeeved out, but the food is quite tasty, and we're not going to let ourselves be overly concerned by one little bug. As mom rightly puts it, "bugs are everywhere, even in nice places."

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Another ten minutes pass in idle chatter and munching. AND THEN I SEE IT. On the wall behind my mom's head, in the middle of the bright and sunny beautiful day, is a goddamn adult cockroach.

And he's just motoring all over the fucking wall and I'm about to COMPLETELY lose my shit, so I stand up and wave over the waiter. Pointing out the bug: "there is a HUGE bug, right there." Dude looks up without much surprise at all, and sweeps the thing onto the floor with his hand. And then he tells us we can just go. My mom tries multiple times to offer to pay, but he refuses to let us.

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My skin is still crawling.

It was such a weird, awkward thing too. For one, I somehow felt personally responsible for making my mom's bday lunch so horrid, but also I still can't get over the creepy gross feeling and now I'm a bit queasy, too. BUT I also don't want to harsh on some nice folks who make tasty food who are trying to eke out a living, you know? I've never not paid for my food at a restaurant before. I mean, we ate at least half of it before we completely lost our appetite when we confirmed that there was at least one whole family of roaches in this place. GOD. UGH. HURRRRRR. BLEHEHHRHGGGH.

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I feel like I need a mom-birthday re-do. Does anyone else have a restaurant horror story to share?