The experiment was a success! Details below.
So I mixed a few tablespoons of coconut oil (which I softened in le microwave first), a random amount of honey and a few drops of tea tree oil. Put some latex gloves on and massaged it into my scalp - NOT the full length of my hair, just my scalp. Twisted hair up into a clip and left on for 1 1/2 - 2 hours. I just had a couple of beers and dicked around on the interwebs for that time.
And it worked! Now, my scalp isn't perfect. There's still some residual flakes, but my scalp itself is definitely A LOT better. It's not nearly as red or raw as it was before I put the stuff on it.
Coconut oil melts like nobody's business, so I had to put a cloth headband on to keep it from dripping all over me and that still didn't 100% help. Pre-headband, some got in my eye. So unpleasant. Post-headband, it stayed off my face but still made its way to my neck area. Either wrap a towel around your shoulders or wear a t-shirt you don't mind getting the concoction on.
It took me two shampoos to get it all out, but I used a moisturizing shampoo so that's probably why. I imagine a clarifying shampoo would get it out with one wash. I also conditioned after but that's because my hair has a tendency to dry out easily, and like I said I didn't put the oil on the length of my hair.
If you use tea tree oil, be easy with it. I only used like 2 or 3 drops. It's potent as hell and can burn if you use too much, especially if you're putting it on fucked up skin. It didn't burn when I used it but it was pretty diluted.
Currently my hair is still wet, so I can't really say how it will look once it dries. But it seems fine at the moment, not too greasy or anything. And my scalp isn't itchy!!!! :D
But I don't smell like coconuts :(