Hey y’all. I have noticed lately that I have a leak in my confidence bucket. I’ve slid back into a place over the past few months where I don’t like myself very much, and I generally just feel kind of gross and uncomfortable in my own skin. I think this has to do with coming out of a period of significant depression following a friend’s suicide last year, the general fear/disgust that comes from living in Trumpistan, school stress/anxiety about graduating and applying to grad school, and some general loneliness and isolation on my part.
I have been single for a year now, and I want to start dating again, but it scares the unholy hell out of me, despite having had many partners in the past. I can’t do OKCupid again, I’ve given it too many tries that were fruitless and creepy, and Bumble wasn’t really my bag (in my area, it’s full of oil and gas working frat boys, which is decidedly not my demographic.) Maybe Tinder is next? I don’t know. I’m not into casual sex, right now I just want to get myself out there again and meet some people so I can feel comfortable in that setting, that way my anxiety isn’t sky high when I do meet somebody I’m interested in.
I’m still crushing hard on my grad instructor, but there are two months of school left before I could reasonably and ethically approach him to invite him out for coffee, and I’d like to get used to the idea of myself as a human woman who dates and feels good about myself in that arena before then, so I don’t psyche myself out or put too much pressure on this thing working out.
Finally, a question: What do you do for yourself when you feel less confident and/or gross about yourself? I know it’s my depressed brain being an asshole and I can’t listen too hard to what it has to say...usually my go to is exercise and cooking, and dressing nice/doing my makeup. I’m in couch troll mode while I do homework, and the gym is closed today for maintenance, but I plan on going tomorrow, and I’m forcing myself out to dinner with two friends of mine even though my deep instinct is to hide. I’m going to put effort into my outfit and face tonight as well.