My job requires confidence, which I don’t think I’ve been showing lately. So today I’m going to try to be confident.
It’s really difficult for me. I shake a lot when I’m anxious, and it’s noticeable. My voice goes up an octave. I try to catch my colloquial language, like ‘It’s all good’, yet I find myself saying stuff like ‘It’s cool.’ I also say ‘Uhhhh...’ a lot. Mostly because my mind goes blank. I forget names immediately. Sometimes it’s because people talk too fast, sometimes it’s because I’m unable to pronounce it correctly. It’s hard for me to handle.
I am trying so hard to maintain.
One thing that doesn’t help is the conflicting voice of my mother in the back of my head. “You’re annoying people when you ask if you can help. Don’t do that. You’re annoying them.”
I feel like I am! Because of her damn voice! Because it brings me down. Because if I’m annoying, I’m not good enough. If I’m annoying, I’m not seen as an asset.
I don’t want to be annoying and useless. If I feel like if I’m annoying, then I don’t want to do anything-because it shakes my confidence. I tune out. It’s like wanting to cry. I am sincere when I ask if there’s anything I can do, because I’m dedicated.
It’s like being in middle school, in terms of feeling awkward. I love my job, and I am lucky to have it. I do things right, I show up early (trying not to do that anymore, because I’ve been told I don’t have too. It was a misunderstanding, but it’s in my nature to be punctual. So I need to chill), and I do my duties. I’m not trying to be Reese Witherspoon in Election-I’m just trying to fit in and be the best me I can be.
If anyone has any advice, I welcome it. I know I can do this. It’s just that I feel like a wreck half the time.
Thanks for reading. I probably won’t be able to respond until tonight, but it would mean a lot-and give me a better tomorrow.