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Conflicted Friendship

I will probably delete this in the morning. I’m going to vague-blog—I detest vague-blogging, but all my other media is inappropriate for this, and I just want to get my thoughts out there somehow. I’ve also changed my username for the time being, just to grant an extra bit of privacy.

I have a friend who I get along with pretty ok. We’ve been friends since high school, and I always felt safe around them until last year, when they asked me out on a date. You’d think that would be a reasonable thing to do, but it totally broke the trust I had in this person; I’d never considered them on romantic terms, so the fact that they were so suddenly into me (and very reluctant to let me go when I couldn’t make it work) made me wonder how long our friendship had been real, and how long it had been this person waiting for an opening. Making these issues more complicated, I had been trying my best to support this person through their depression/mental things, and I didn’t (and still don’t) want to do anything that could cause them to pitch even further into dark thoughts.

But anyway. We didn’t date, we eventually patched up, we’re still basically friends and do group activities together, but I still never feel safe around them, and I don’t want to get too close to their thoughts, which tend to be gloomy and bitter. I quietly unfollowed them on the social media I use to escape, and let the whole thing lay low.


Lately we’ve been talking more, though, and I was fine with it because I was lonely and bored. Tonight, however, felt too much like old times to me—we were too comfortable, if that makes sense, and I’m afraid they’re going to fall for me again, or at least make our friendship much tighter than I want it to be. What makes it worse is that they just divulged a pretty big secret about their life to me. I’m glad I’m trusted enough to be told something only one or two other people know, and of course I’ll support them, but at the same time I really want to put the brakes on this friendship before they pull me any closer. They also passive-aggressively asked me to follow them again—which is a minor thing, but now I feel like I can’t escape from them, because they’re in all my social media now. That’s why I’m writing here (and even then as vaguely as I can)—I desperately need something that they can’t see, and that won’t remind me of the weirdness we’ve been through. I wish I could unfollow them again, to get at least a little space on some platforms, but now I know they notice what I do.

This is the worst post, and doesn’t make any sense at all. But thanks for letting me write it here anyway. Advice would be nice, if you have it.

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