I have been losing weight. I have really needed to for my health (I am aware that it’s not necessarily connected to health, but with ME I was certainly not in a “healthy at any weight” category). I was on the thinner side of average most my life - no matter how thin I’ve ever been, I’ve always carried meat on my bones. I gained a lot of weight very suddenly due to some mysterious GI problems at the same time I was fighting depression, probably about 6-7 years ago. I think for a long time I thought the weight would fall back off but it never did, and my body understandably had a hard time coping with being 100 lbs heavier in just about a year and a half. So I am finally reversing that.
But here’s what I really want to talk about. Right now, I have lost about 50 lbs, and I am on the cusp of being too small for plus sizes. I need to buy some clothes. And I’m kind of sad about losing access to plus sized clothing when I thought it would feel pretty momentous to be looking at straight sizes again. Looking at them online and seeing them on the small models is making me feel weird and uncomfortable. I forgot what it was like when the models looked so different than me.
I remember when I first accepted that I had become plus sized, it was so liberating while I was coping with this weight gain. Not only did I find clothes that fit me and made me feel pretty, I found clothes that fit me better than clothes I’d ever worn before. Straight sized clothes, in my experience, are just not made for women who carry weight (although if you have some directions to point me in, I’m all ears!). I always have had a big ass and big legs, been a little short, a little this a little that. If I lost enough weight to become a size 2 I would STILL not feel like I look right in those clothes. What I like about the better plus sized options is that they are structured and designed to accommodate where women gain weight. So now I am returning to a feeling I forgot about - the feeling that no clothes work for me.
Like...I need to lose this weight. I have a petite frame, I can’t carry it. My marathon-running, salad-eating mother is pre-diabetic because that gene is so strong in my family. My blood sugar is high, my blood pressure is high, my knees are under stress, my resting heart rate is high - I’m not healthy. But now I am struggling because I kind of got used to being plus sized and proudly wear that identity and I’m losing it. Part of me doesn’t want to lose the weight anymore.
These feelings...are so weird. I’m just a clusterfuck of conflict right now. I hope I am not upsetting anyone, I know these subjects are really difficult.