Last night was a mess.
Yesterday I took a trip into NYC to look at apartments because I will be moving there for graduate school in August. I saw some duds, but I found a miracle building that is amazingly nice and stunningly within my price range. Jackpot!
On my way home from the city my boyfriend texted me asking how it went and I told him about the nice building. I could tell he was kind of sad because he had asked me to move in with him outside of the city, and I was considering it, but if I were to live with him my commute to school would be 1.5-2 hours and several more milligrams of antidepressant long. [See paragraph that begins "Nobel Prize-winning psychologist..."] Then he asked me if I wanted to sleep over his apartment, but I was really tired and there were other reasons I didn't want to go, so I said no. Then he seemed more sad. So in order not to feel like I was singlehandedly destroying our relationship I said that I would drive over to his place and hang out for a bit and then go home to sleep.
When I got there he was in a sour/sad mood. I told him more about the apartment and he apathetically said "I'm so excited for you," and because I'm going to graduate school for clinical psychology and I'm not an idiot I could tell by his tone and facial expression that that was a lie. So I said, no you're not. It's okay. You don't have to hide it. "You can't expect me to be happy about this," he said as he began to cry. Then cue my crying. Then cue us crying together in silence for about 30 minutes. I tried to get him to talk, but he didn't seem into the idea so I asked if he wanted me to go. He said he didn't, so I stayed even though I kind of wanted to go because sitting in silence next to my boyfriend while he cries and I feel guilty about ruining everything and going to graduate school was not my idea of a rockin' Saturday night.
He eventually stopped crying and then tried to get me to stop crying, but for a while it was useless because I knew he was just pretending to be okay so that I would stop crying. However, I eventually did stop crying with the help of some pizza.
A couple of minutes later my boyfriend started getting handsy and kissing me in a way that is always indicative of his desire for sex. I had just cried for a long time and was still feeling guilty and sad so I was not in the mood. But then I got scared that if I didn't sleep with him he would think that I want the relationship to be over or would feel hurt, so I slept with him anyway. Faked enthusiasm the whole way. Of course, afterwards I felt even more shitty about myself.
[Just as a clarification: My boyfriend did NOTHING to manipulate me into having sex with him last night or ever. Just the "fortune telling" thoughts in my head (CBT anyone?) made me afraid of the consequences of not having sex so I manipulated myself into doing it.]
So here are the reasons I now feel like a shitty person:
- I made my boyfriend sad by saying no to his offer of cohabitating
- I made my boyfriend think I don't love him by saying no to his offer of cohabitating
- I am singlehandedly ruining the relationship by going off to graduate school
- I didn't respect my own boundaries or take care of my own feelings
So yeah, cool! Feel free to bill my insurance company for this session.
How was your Saturday night?