And now all of you will, too. Oddly enough, it's not that I eat onions like apples. That shit isn't a secret.

It's that I love Christmas.

I'm kind of...known among my friends as a scrooge. I make it pretty clear that I hate the holidays and anything having to do with them. People argue with me on it all the time, but I stand by my assertion that I despise Christmas/Chanukah/Thanksgiving. Well, Thanksgiving not so much because food.

So Consort Fluffybutt and I were talking about the holidays and stuff, and I got all meh and was like "as long as I have eggnot and rum I'll be alright-ish" and he invited me to spend the holidays with his family, and I was all no just spend it with your family, to me it's just another day, etc. But then I kind of snapped when he said "well if that's what you want..."

And then I lost my filter/dropped my "I hate Christmas" mask and replied -

No, what I WANT is my own Christmas tree that I can decorate, and my old menorah with the shitty little lightbulb "flames" because there were too many clumsy folk around to use actual oil and fire. I want to watch every stupid claymation Christmas movie and go to the stupid city and see the tree. I want my mom to give me dreidels as a joke and I want to put up lights and I miss the little toy train my dad used to put under the tree and the nativity scene cuz he always let me play with the "dolls". And I want to wrap presents for everyone, including myself, because I'm good at it and no one else in my family was. And open them on Christmas morning, NOT on Christmas eve cuz that's completely WRONG and damn anyone who says differently.

But I don't have a family left Consort. My dad is gone, my sister isn't here, my uncles are MIA and don't give a fuck

mom is too tired to deal with any of this

grandma wants no part of it since grandpa died

I haven't celebrated Chanukah in years, and Christmas in even more years

I don't have a place for a tree or gifts to wrap for anyone

I've spent the last decade or so with my friends and boyfriends' families for the holidays. And as sweet as it is, it's never the same

what did you think? I genuinely hated Christmas?

I love Christmas. That's why I get so upset. I love Christmas trees and decorations and ugly sweaters. And movies. It's just easier to hide in my room with booze and candy canes than it is to watch everyone be with their families when I haven't in a long time and never will be again.

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So, that's my thing with the holidays. Anyone else feel similarly?

Consort and I are still talking about it, and he's thinking instead of trying to bring old traditions back, we start making new ones. As sweet as that is, I'm kind of jaded to it because my ex and I tried that. My first Christmas with him was awesome. So was our first Thanksgiving together. And I got to thinking, now I have new traditions for the holidays! But alas, those were lost, too. So I kind of just want to go back to hiding in my room with a bottle and watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman on repeat while eating candy canes. It's like, why bother trying?

Am I being super negative and pessimistic here? I feel like I am. Tell me to stahp it and have a good holiday season with my awesome boyfriend.