Last night I had a dream or nightmare, depending how you'd interpret it. I fell in love with someone else and had a short affair. There was passion but also an enormous amount of respect and love towards one another. After a passionate kiss I asked him 'what now?' and he responded 'now we find a way to be together'. When I woke up this morning this dream had effectively knocked the wind out of me.
The inspiration for this dream is not strange; I was watching a show this weekend that had a cheater in it (several actually) and once upon a time, boyfriend and I kissed while both partnered up. Both our relationships weren't great before (his long relationship was on the verge of breaking up the last year, mine was a friends with benefits situation that had hung around too long) and we've been together ever since. We had no idea or plan of the future, there was just too much passion there to let go.
The past few years has seen a very steady decline of passion in our relationship. Even then I could look at him or think of him and I'd break out in a smile and butterfly's filled up my stomach. Sometimes the bright butterfly's of being in love, sometimes the warm gooey of years of partnership. But still passion for our relationship, even if it was different from the first year. Now, there's barely a fizzle. There's a warm blanket, but no more.
Growing up I've learned, intentionally or not, that long-term relationships aren't supposed to remain passionate. It isn't sustainable. In fact, the fact that getting intimate these days is more of a 'well it's been a month and I feel up to it.. I guess we should', mentally feels like it's normal. Tv-shows. Magazines. Movies. The longer you are together the more you become like good friends. You love each other, you know each other, there is no passion.
In many ways we are perfect. We both enjoy watching tv-shows, playing videogames, reading up on things for hours (me GT or articles on social and cultural things, him something techy). We are both steamrollers (as I was reminded this weekend by an old colleague, although I've worked hard on being understanding, supportive and a listener rather than an explainer). We regularly get comments on how well-matched we are (they don't know about the troubles we've had though).
But I don't feel like I could feel that passion for him again. What if we are (can be) perfect for each other, save for this one little part? Could I be happy without that passion? I always thought I could, but I feel a tightening in my chest when I think of being able to feel any sort of passion again. Of simply wanting and needing again. Can a relationship work without it?
I'm very curious to the experience of the GT hive. Could you?