I hereby solemnly pledge that I will soon post non-relationship-related-posts too. However, first this, the second installment of couples counseling. Feel free to stop by to share how your relationship is doing!
This second session was largely about me, my feelings and struggles. I have :
- Difficulty making choices
- Difficulty putting myself first
- Difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries
- Difficulty letting go of things (not in the bitchy type way but in the way that I keep going over and over things in my mind rather than coming to a conclusion or focusing on other things)
- Difficulty with simplifying things, aka I make things very heavy and difficult (I've always done this, maybe it's because I was always so confused by growing up with an ever increasingly alcoholic parent, who knows)
We talked about these things largely in the light of The Room and the choice I have to make. A choice I have to make so that future roomie knows what's what, I can let go of this beast on my back and no longer stress about it and boyfriend knows what he's up for. The way she put it, I have 2 options :
#1 : I go. I won't have as much pressure on me to make the relationship work, I'll be able to just avoid it if I need to. I won't have to practise setting/maintaining boundaries or putting myself first, I can just.. take off when I feel like it. This is the easier choice but doesn't mean there's 'no chance' of working on the relationship. It's just harder to avoid working on it and myself (since many of my problems revolve around how I interact in my relationship).
#2 : I stay. I won't have the comfortable backup of being able to bid adieu to the relationship whenever I feel like it. But I'll have the chance to work on the relationship and my difficulties within it, while boyfriend works on his. She felt it was good for the trying to be in close quarters (not so close, our apartment is a castle compared to similar places), because it helps to work on these things under stress. She also made sure to ask boyfriends feeling about this, since I'm so scared of hurting his feelings and although he very strongly feels that this would be a step back from working on us, he won't hold it against me. I did get the sense this rubbed him the wrong way though.
We ended by talking about attraction and passion, which has been gone from our relationship. We couldn't get very far into it because we were finished but she mentioned that this wasn't so unusual, considering the tensions that had been building for a long time. I could tell boyfriend felt uncomfortable with this conversation, since it was largely about me not finding him attractive at this point (although we had a great cuddle yesterday, which was more intimacy than we've had in weeks!)
So. I have 1 week to make a choice. On one hand the room has become this metaphor for choosing for 'me' and staying for 'we'. But as therapist asked, can't it be both? Only I can answer that question and I'll spend the next few days wondering about this and listening to my honest to god feelings: What do I want to do. So... pro's/cons list anyone?
How are your relationships going? Bumps in the road? Or are you turning a corner?
ETA: Future roomie has expressed that she's cool with me paying decembers month to keep the room and give me an extra few weeks to think about things without her getting in trouble. Very nice of her.