There are a lot of little situations floating around my life right now in which I am someone’s villain.
In some of the situations, I am because it’s my job to be (teaching). In some of the situations, I am and I didn’t intend to be, but I’ve only recently become aware they’d prefer I were different (a friend recently unloaded about six months worth of being annoyed with me and some bonus rudeness for her effort). In some of the situations, I probably am and could probably stop if I contorted myself, but I’m not sure the investment is there (my mother alleges it is my fault my sister and I aren’t close).
The common thread here is me, and that I’m unpleasant ... which is fair. It’s not my favorite thing about myself, but it’s definitely a thing.
My mother and I were talking about it over lunch today, starting with my sister and meandering eventually to my friend. Mom was more than happy to outline all of my personal shortcomings, because I’ve shorted her on numerous occasions as well and if that wasn’t what we were talking about directly, there was subtext.
They’re all the things I know about myself and do work on, but will always struggle with. I’m difficult. I try, but I will always be a little difficult. If I am tired, everyone will know I am difficult. It’s like having thick hair on your upper-lip: you can wax that shit off all you want, but there’s gonna be a week you let it slip just a little and the tendency to five o’clock shadow is obvious. Except it’s not hair, it’s that you’re an asshole.
The thing is, right now I just ... don’t care. By which I mean: I’m sad my friend is unhappy with me, and yes, I wish my sister and I were closer in a very abstract way. And it sounds like my mother doesn’t like me that much, which stings, but uh ... she’s no walk in the park, my friend is kind of a whiner, and my sister is a dick. Full-stop. (See? These are my loved ones. I’m an asshole.)
On different days, I love them in spite of their flaws. But today (read: this week/month), they are all irritating, and I have zero interest in putting forth the effort to be better than my best self whilst they dance about chanting, “Fluter! Be better! We will continue to be exactly as we are!”
I think this is misanthropy. I am a misanthrope. And the personality shit is never going to change unless that fact changes first. Is there a cure for misanthropy?
.... does it involve hugging?
... can it be accomplished from the comfort of my sofa?
Or should I just get ok with relating more to the villain in the film?