Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery
This is a platform for User Generated Content. G/O Media assumes no liability for content posted by Kinja users to this platform.

Cute Boy Person: The Cleansening, The Pukening Edition

Illustration for article titled Cute Boy Person: The Cleansening, The Pukening Edition

CBP gave me homework on Sunday to clean and reinstate The Wall of Zim, above. I didn't have it completed today when he showed up but I was done about an hour later. He docked me 10 points for each day that I was late, assigned me a D, realized that gave me a low B, and complained that I did not show my work.

Advertisement

But first, a flashback: I went to bed early last night. I took a pill to help me sleep and it worked... for 3 hours. Then what had been a mild headache turned into a migraine and I can't tell whether I was awake until 8 or dreaming that I was awake until 8. Around 7, I started getting cold sweats, which I knew was trouble.

Advertisement

I was too sleepy to process what to do for a while but at 8, I took 3 caffeine pills, 2 antihistamines, and a 12 hour sudafed. Half an hour later, I started puking up everything. I eventually stopped puking and got to sleep but that was 3 hours of cold sweats and a dozen heaves. I got up at 3 with a migraine hangover, so I sat naked in bed reading GT until he texted me that he was leaving work. I had maybe 20 minutes. Getting dressed was clearly on the agenda, as was brushing my teeth and gargling with mouthwash because ew. But I didn't have time to wash off the rank of 3 hours of cold sweats, so I quickly washed my pits, and put on perfume. In the rush, I almost put on deodorant that I'm allergic to, then forgot to put on deodorant. Because I'm awesome.

Illustration for article titled Cute Boy Person: The Cleansening, The Pukening Edition
Advertisement

I was not very good at cleaning today. Fumes were worse for me than usual. I had to take a lot of breaks. I always feel bad if I take a lot of breaks and he keeps cleaning because it feels like he's doing more work than me. Bah. I still have some migraine hangover but I found my camera.

Important note: if you have naughty pics of yourself on your camera and you hide the camera in a "safe place" because there's a creepy guy in your house that you think might steal it— take it out of the safe place when he's gone. I've been wondering for months if he had it and ewwwwwwwwww.

Advertisement

I thought about telling CBP that I want to kiss him but... what do I say on a day like today? "Theoretically, I would really like to kiss you but realistically, I was puking 12 hours ago so maybe right now isn't the best time to bring that up. I promise I brushed my teeth and used mouthwash since then. But I might stink a bit from the sweats. The barfing isn't contagious though!"

Advertisement

<— gif usage is grosser this time around. I would continue to be older than pictured.

I did physically escalate on Sunday; he re-escalated on Tuesday; we still have not reached the making out stage. I know it seems really stupid for things to go like this and overall, it's kind of stupid. We have to sit down and agree on how we will assert boundaries and how we will react to that— or we will be too reluctant to escalate. It's just not very awesome to go "Hey, I would really like to make out with you and we should talk about how we're going to communicate about boundaries because you are a n00b at teh ladiez."*

Advertisement

I'm afraid that it's going to sound like I'm judging him poorly on a subject that he's probably really self-conscious about to begin with. It's not a judgment and I haven't figured out a good way to make it clear that it's not a judgment. I like who he is— all of who he is— and being not so experienced with dating is a side-effect of the things that I like about him. I wouldn't be taking this on if I intended to judge him poorly for something that I knew in advance.

Illustration for article titled Cute Boy Person: The Cleansening, The Pukening Edition
Advertisement

Tomorrow, I am going to start laundry and then he is going to come over and we are going to start on my room, where there are porn and vibrators and a leather corset and a pack of 64 crayons and restraints and a Care Bears coloring book and the tapes for the tape backup drive that confused him today. Oh, and loose dental dams because the mice apparently think they're tasty.

* I'm pretty sure he's not literally a virgin and he's definitely not 40. And he has more social skills than Steve Carrell in that movie. Just clarifying.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter